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(no subject)
Apr. 29th, 2006 02:14 amToo much caffine and a weakness for late hours generates long entries.
( Warning: long winded Thoughts ahead )
( Warning: long winded Thoughts ahead )
(no subject)
Sep. 20th, 2005 12:58 pmwell I'm in class and bored shitless. This lab is a mix of stuff I can't understand and stuff that's just dead easy.
I know I've been not around so much lately. Haven't even posted a fic in ages. Everything is just sort of hectic and weird. I got so lucky with housemates finally. Liz and Alissa are awesome.
Jess? Are you out there? In NJ yet? It's a big state and I wouldn't mind a friend I already know out there.
It's freezing in this classroom. My teacher is almost unitelligable and I really want some lunch.
Also, apparently what they say is true. You get a little, then you want it all the damn time. Invasive thoughts becoming annoying.
My car is making weird noises and I fear for it's metallic little life. it's getting checked out next Thursday.
Oh yeah, for those of you who don't know, i reached my weight goal. I'm 25 pounds lighter then I was at graduation. So yay for that. None of my clothes fit and I'm too lazy to buy a belt or new clothes.
Deep thoughts:
I spend a lot of time apolgizing for things. Most of which have nothing to do with me.
I miss my friends from school terribly. At weird times.
It's possible to get only nearly what you want, be happy with it, but bug everyone around you with questions and confusion just as much as you did before you had it.
Happiness is much more enjoyable then unhappiness, but paranoia always tastes good spread evenly over bread.
I know I've been not around so much lately. Haven't even posted a fic in ages. Everything is just sort of hectic and weird. I got so lucky with housemates finally. Liz and Alissa are awesome.
Jess? Are you out there? In NJ yet? It's a big state and I wouldn't mind a friend I already know out there.
It's freezing in this classroom. My teacher is almost unitelligable and I really want some lunch.
Also, apparently what they say is true. You get a little, then you want it all the damn time. Invasive thoughts becoming annoying.
My car is making weird noises and I fear for it's metallic little life. it's getting checked out next Thursday.
Oh yeah, for those of you who don't know, i reached my weight goal. I'm 25 pounds lighter then I was at graduation. So yay for that. None of my clothes fit and I'm too lazy to buy a belt or new clothes.
Deep thoughts:
I spend a lot of time apolgizing for things. Most of which have nothing to do with me.
I miss my friends from school terribly. At weird times.
It's possible to get only nearly what you want, be happy with it, but bug everyone around you with questions and confusion just as much as you did before you had it.
Happiness is much more enjoyable then unhappiness, but paranoia always tastes good spread evenly over bread.
In Two Days, Chapter College Ends.
May. 18th, 2005 11:35 pmoh fuck, oh god, how did it get to be now? I was a freshman yesterday, I swear. Undergrad has just rushed by and left me dazed. I have to look back and take stock, because god only knows the future is too scary and full. I still haven't heard from grad school, I have no idea what work I'm going to be doing. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge. If I do get in, this time next year, I'll be three months away from having to join the adult workforce and that's if everything goes well. I keep having to remind myself that I won't be back here next year and it's like this deep ache and bliss at the same time. New is needed, but oh, how the old will be missed. I've done a lot here at Stony Brook. I know some people hate this school, but it was good to me.
(no subject)
Dec. 23rd, 2004 03:49 pmToday I read a graphic novel called "Cages" and I realized something revealing. I have a sensual realtionship with books, something that goes beyond being someone who likes to read. The book I read today is a bit oversized, thick and the pages glossy. The cover, hardcover, was smooth against my hands and I stroked it. Fasinating novel, engrossing and full of those strange artsy truths that graphic novels favor. I enjoyed it immensly. When I really like a book, I am wholly involved in it. My hands stroke the over, the stiff smell of the pages invades my nose and my mind is completltly enganged. Intrustions of time and reality are unwelcome.
When I finished, I hugged the book to my chest, felt it press agasint my breast and belly through my sweater and I stroked the cover as I thought about the content. To read a book, to truly read it, is to consume it utterly. Physically, I was trying to take it into myself just as my mind enfolded the concepts. No one home, in a pool of light in otherwise dark house, curled around this book and I thought, yes. This is a realtionship, me and this book in this sliver of time. I am interacting with something that is more then a passive object. There is a movement here, a conversation. I stroke the cover as I would lay a hand on a dear friend's arm. Read it as I would listen to someone telling me something gripping.
In the end, I must stray from my new friend, but I will return to it again and again as I do all the books that I truly love. It is difficult to give away dear friends who by turns have taught me something, distracted me when reality was unbearable and driven away the ghosts in the darkest of hours. It is nearly impossible to tell which book will be just another book and which will lodge itself in my mind.
So that is what I am looking for. That is my little epiphany. I am searching for a man who will be like a book to me, one that I will never quite finish reading. But more then that, a book that reads me while I read it, caressing pages and twining ordinary things into an extrodinary jackdaws nest of fantastical every day life.
When I finished, I hugged the book to my chest, felt it press agasint my breast and belly through my sweater and I stroked the cover as I thought about the content. To read a book, to truly read it, is to consume it utterly. Physically, I was trying to take it into myself just as my mind enfolded the concepts. No one home, in a pool of light in otherwise dark house, curled around this book and I thought, yes. This is a realtionship, me and this book in this sliver of time. I am interacting with something that is more then a passive object. There is a movement here, a conversation. I stroke the cover as I would lay a hand on a dear friend's arm. Read it as I would listen to someone telling me something gripping.
In the end, I must stray from my new friend, but I will return to it again and again as I do all the books that I truly love. It is difficult to give away dear friends who by turns have taught me something, distracted me when reality was unbearable and driven away the ghosts in the darkest of hours. It is nearly impossible to tell which book will be just another book and which will lodge itself in my mind.
So that is what I am looking for. That is my little epiphany. I am searching for a man who will be like a book to me, one that I will never quite finish reading. But more then that, a book that reads me while I read it, caressing pages and twining ordinary things into an extrodinary jackdaws nest of fantastical every day life.
Fall 2004 is dead!
Dec. 15th, 2004 01:33 amSo my first test this morning took me raw up the arse, but hey, whatever. The second was better and signaled the end of the uneven bumpy road that was this semester. Lots of fun with friends, lots of death by insane teachers.
But! it is over!
AND!!!
I watched the extended version of Return of the King which kicked all kinds of ass. Merry fight scenes, more hoyay! the sticks could shake at and a profound moment of appreciation for the mouth of sauron.
But! it is over!
AND!!!
I watched the extended version of Return of the King which kicked all kinds of ass. Merry fight scenes, more hoyay! the sticks could shake at and a profound moment of appreciation for the mouth of sauron.
Boyfriend things I miss
Dec. 15th, 2003 12:26 amOkay, so last entry guy turns out to be involved with a girl who is quite possibly the most evil person I have ever met and I'm not saying that because I like him. She is a demon and she almost made a friend of mine cry.
But it got me thinking. I've been single and fairly ok about it for a long time. So what is it? Why am I so desprate to have a guy again? I have come up with a list. Some of these things I can and have done with close friends and as great as it is, there's something diffrent about having a boytoy.
Things I Miss about having a Boyfriend:
1. Hugs. Random from behind, mess with your hair hugs.
2. Someone who can just look at you and tottally know what your thinking and laugh because they know they were thinking the same thing.
3. Having someone else to blame for not doing work.
4. Stealing their clothes and wearing them until they don't smell like clean boy anymore.
5. Talking for hours on the phone about nothing even though you just spent the whole day together.
6. Missing him when you're away, and knowing for sure he misses you.
7. Cuddling. Cuddling. Cuddling.
8. Kisses. Between classes, before you say goodnight and hello in the morning.
9. The smell and clutter of their rooms. Lying on their beds while they do something else at their desk.
10. Casual touching. Oh yeah.
11. Holding hands.
12. Seeing a boring movie and sleeping on their shoulder...or seeing a good movie and babbling about it together afterwards.
13. Just knowing that even if you aren't together there's someone out there who cares about you and might be fanasizing about you at that very moment, so as not to concentrate on a boring lecture.
14. Anything else that makes single people (like me) just want to vomit when they see it in public.
15. Random acts of chilvary.
16. Having someone to take care of and who takes care of you.
18. Cuddling. In bed. In a chair, in the movie theatre....cuddling is so so so important.
To review and in summation:
Touch, smell, friendship.
Too much to ask?
But it got me thinking. I've been single and fairly ok about it for a long time. So what is it? Why am I so desprate to have a guy again? I have come up with a list. Some of these things I can and have done with close friends and as great as it is, there's something diffrent about having a boytoy.
Things I Miss about having a Boyfriend:
1. Hugs. Random from behind, mess with your hair hugs.
2. Someone who can just look at you and tottally know what your thinking and laugh because they know they were thinking the same thing.
3. Having someone else to blame for not doing work.
4. Stealing their clothes and wearing them until they don't smell like clean boy anymore.
5. Talking for hours on the phone about nothing even though you just spent the whole day together.
6. Missing him when you're away, and knowing for sure he misses you.
7. Cuddling. Cuddling. Cuddling.
8. Kisses. Between classes, before you say goodnight and hello in the morning.
9. The smell and clutter of their rooms. Lying on their beds while they do something else at their desk.
10. Casual touching. Oh yeah.
11. Holding hands.
12. Seeing a boring movie and sleeping on their shoulder...or seeing a good movie and babbling about it together afterwards.
13. Just knowing that even if you aren't together there's someone out there who cares about you and might be fanasizing about you at that very moment, so as not to concentrate on a boring lecture.
14. Anything else that makes single people (like me) just want to vomit when they see it in public.
15. Random acts of chilvary.
16. Having someone to take care of and who takes care of you.
18. Cuddling. In bed. In a chair, in the movie theatre....cuddling is so so so important.
To review and in summation:
Touch, smell, friendship.
Too much to ask?
The Dangers of the Kitchen
Dec. 12th, 2003 11:02 pmI watched him cook. Fuck. Cooking. I blame the food.
I mean, when you're a college student, you just don't eat well, often enough. And he offered to cook. Just like that, in the most open, non-specically loving way possible. Thud thud thud.......thud...that's the sound of my heart skipping a beat.
And we were sleepy. Me him and Mike, there had been Jane, but she left early to eat. And now...I watched him cook. And he was wearing a worn tight green shirt, plaid zippered pants and his mohawk, fading orange showing the brunette underneath, wasn't spike up, falling around his face, framing it gently.
In any case, I stood behind him, watching him cook. Enjoying the quiet mostly. As he moved, I stared.... wide at the shoulders, tapered waist and his shirt rode up once and a while to show a strip of lightly furred skin. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
And then...we ate. And he makes these tiny little happy, near sex, noises as he eats and too cute, too sexy, too random for words.
I hate cooking. He said he was going to make dinner again tommorrow. Gah.
I've known him all semester and had no idea until he made meatballs. In trouble again and the semesters almost over. Must ignore or silently enjoy. Doomed to silence.
I mean, when you're a college student, you just don't eat well, often enough. And he offered to cook. Just like that, in the most open, non-specically loving way possible. Thud thud thud.......thud...that's the sound of my heart skipping a beat.
And we were sleepy. Me him and Mike, there had been Jane, but she left early to eat. And now...I watched him cook. And he was wearing a worn tight green shirt, plaid zippered pants and his mohawk, fading orange showing the brunette underneath, wasn't spike up, falling around his face, framing it gently.
In any case, I stood behind him, watching him cook. Enjoying the quiet mostly. As he moved, I stared.... wide at the shoulders, tapered waist and his shirt rode up once and a while to show a strip of lightly furred skin. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
And then...we ate. And he makes these tiny little happy, near sex, noises as he eats and too cute, too sexy, too random for words.
I hate cooking. He said he was going to make dinner again tommorrow. Gah.
I've known him all semester and had no idea until he made meatballs. In trouble again and the semesters almost over. Must ignore or silently enjoy. Doomed to silence.
final contemplation before sleep
Oct. 29th, 2002 01:01 amtommorrow is another day, heralded by light
and if I dare the morning breeze
there's not telling what I may find.
Yes, tommorrow is another day, full of potential
tommorrow is another day to bathe in your warm smile.
Please kill me now. I'm writing poetry. This is the worst crush I've had in a long long time. Worst of all last night I had a dream about my ex, Tim. Always a sure sign that I'm falling for someone. The last time I had a dream about him, I was infatuated with Her.
ord, make this work out better then that. As a sidenote, me and Her are still friends.
Night calls for rest...thought it's actually morning now. night world.
and if I dare the morning breeze
there's not telling what I may find.
Yes, tommorrow is another day, full of potential
tommorrow is another day to bathe in your warm smile.
Please kill me now. I'm writing poetry. This is the worst crush I've had in a long long time. Worst of all last night I had a dream about my ex, Tim. Always a sure sign that I'm falling for someone. The last time I had a dream about him, I was infatuated with Her.
ord, make this work out better then that. As a sidenote, me and Her are still friends.
Night calls for rest...thought it's actually morning now. night world.
How I found God again
Oct. 16th, 2002 11:56 amIt seems that for last few months, I've had trouble reconciling myself to the idea of a supreme being. Then today happened. I woke up late and had to run to class in cold, sideways rain. I got a 84 on my math midterm because of some really retarded mistakes. Then....got a 75 on my philosophy test!!!!It's my major for pete's sake and my teacher even wrote in my test that he was surprised at me because, not to be a narcissist, but I'm one ofthe best students in the class. I was feeling pretty shitty, bought a sixteen ounce of coffee and some dounut, then beganto walk the quater of a mile to the bus, getting rain in my coffee and all over me. Stupid fifteen mph wind and my own stupidty at not having in an umbrella. Anyway, i'm tearing at myself, feeling genarlly crappy when the guy from last night walks right passed me and gave me a small smile....and i thought I would never see him again! I managed to get home, turn on The Who and change into dry warm clothes and nestle into bed with my rained in coffee and donuts. Its now that I see that God must exist because He reminded me today that you can't let minutiea get you down. I'll do better on the next test and even if I don't, it's just a grade. I have plenty of time to find my niche and the idea that I have to stick with what I want now is sillness. It's nice to be reminded why I have faith that we're not alone.
My good friend's dad thinks I'm a lesbian. My mom is worried that I am. Why do people asume that I'm gay? I write male/male porn for godsakes!
I feel so damn butch. Is this why I can't get a boyfriend? does everyone think I'm gay?
God damn, gender and sexuality issues.
I feel so damn butch. Is this why I can't get a boyfriend? does everyone think I'm gay?
God damn, gender and sexuality issues.
(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2002 09:51 pmTenacious D rocks and reminds me of Lewis. Which reminds me that I'm made at Joe. I love him, but I can't belive he hasn't called me, after he explicitly promised he would. I also have schpickas from writing to much. it makes me soo....gah! Like I want to do more,but i can't cause all i can come up with are these hollow bits of poetry and my thoughts are racing to fast and damnit, no more twenty five ounce sodas for me on top of coffe. Why do i not learn these lessons?
Finally, a good day.
Mar. 26th, 2002 07:36 pmAfter nearly two weeks of almost unrelenting depression, I finally attained happiness.
How?
Two mangoes,
a can of orange soda,
a can of grape soda,
three Ferreno Rochers (choclate with hazelnuts),
a clean bill of health from OB/GYN,
a good movie and
the knowledged that there is absoultly nothing else I can do about what goes down ith my college aps.
How?
Two mangoes,
a can of orange soda,
a can of grape soda,
three Ferreno Rochers (choclate with hazelnuts),
a clean bill of health from OB/GYN,
a good movie and
the knowledged that there is absoultly nothing else I can do about what goes down ith my college aps.
SiLeNtA420: wanna hear something funny?
Tarrot Cat: sure
SiLeNtA420: i think i fell for a purebread italian
SiLeNtA420: and u know how i say yer mom alot?
Tarrot Cat: ::giggles::
Tarrot Cat: yeah?
SiLeNtA420: his is in a coma
SiLeNtA420: and i said it to him
Tarrot Cat: ....
Tarrot Cat: you're in love with a comotose italian and you said your mom to him in his sleep?
SiLeNtA420: i lothe you
Tarrot Cat: what?
SiLeNtA420: damn writers
SiLeNtA420: twisting words around
Tarrot Cat: What twisting? Isn't that what you said?.
SiLeNtA420: no
Tarrot Cat: okay....
SiLeNtA420: ok
Tarrot Cat: so what DID you say?
SiLeNtA420: He was all like im waearing blah blah blah today
SiLeNtA420: in a chat room
Tarrot Cat: right...
SiLeNtA420: so i said im wearoing your mom today
SiLeNtA420: and he stopped talking
SiLeNtA420: his was b4 i met him
SiLeNtA420: this was*
Tarrot Cat: okay
SiLeNtA420: an hour late my friend was like dude
SiLeNtA420: his mom is in a coma
Tarrot Cat: owch.
Tarrot Cat: good one.
SiLeNtA420: hr was all like whos mmo
SiLeNtA420: and i was like YOPUR!
SiLeNtA420: yours*
Tarrot Cat: sure
SiLeNtA420: i think i fell for a purebread italian
SiLeNtA420: and u know how i say yer mom alot?
Tarrot Cat: ::giggles::
Tarrot Cat: yeah?
SiLeNtA420: his is in a coma
SiLeNtA420: and i said it to him
Tarrot Cat: ....
Tarrot Cat: you're in love with a comotose italian and you said your mom to him in his sleep?
SiLeNtA420: i lothe you
Tarrot Cat: what?
SiLeNtA420: damn writers
SiLeNtA420: twisting words around
Tarrot Cat: What twisting? Isn't that what you said?.
SiLeNtA420: no
Tarrot Cat: okay....
SiLeNtA420: ok
Tarrot Cat: so what DID you say?
SiLeNtA420: He was all like im waearing blah blah blah today
SiLeNtA420: in a chat room
Tarrot Cat: right...
SiLeNtA420: so i said im wearoing your mom today
SiLeNtA420: and he stopped talking
SiLeNtA420: his was b4 i met him
SiLeNtA420: this was*
Tarrot Cat: okay
SiLeNtA420: an hour late my friend was like dude
SiLeNtA420: his mom is in a coma
Tarrot Cat: owch.
Tarrot Cat: good one.
SiLeNtA420: hr was all like whos mmo
SiLeNtA420: and i was like YOPUR!
SiLeNtA420: yours*
(no subject)
Mar. 6th, 2002 04:36 pmWeird shit. My mood is just....bizarre. I feel all wonky.
Neutrally medicore, to intense burst of NRG to almost death like sleepness.
It's been like this nearly all week....
Am I depressed? I don't think so.
Am I happy? not particular.
But I want to know what this feeling is because I'm confused and aching and god, I just want to be okay.
To DO something.
To explode in movement and flurry of activity, to blast everyone into amazment.
What's gotten in to me?
Neutrally medicore, to intense burst of NRG to almost death like sleepness.
It's been like this nearly all week....
Am I depressed? I don't think so.
Am I happy? not particular.
But I want to know what this feeling is because I'm confused and aching and god, I just want to be okay.
To DO something.
To explode in movement and flurry of activity, to blast everyone into amazment.
What's gotten in to me?
Lonleyness and being alone.
Feb. 15th, 2002 02:25 pmIs there a diffrence? I say yes a huge one. Because today I felt lonely. A harsh empty lonliness even thought i was no more or less alone then I usually am.
It is often one of my greatest fears that I will come to enjoy my aloness so mch i will retire completely from real life and exist only to other people online. Mostly my epxerance as an only child has forced me to entertain myself and most of the time I do.
But today, I felt sad and pathetic and alone and all I wanted was to have one friend who I saw everyday to give me a hug and say, "hey, it's all good, let's go get some choclate and feel blah together or rent a movie or something." But I've got bupkus. My best friend is Long island and my online friends are even farther. I hate days like this. I have fencing soon , m match and I sooo don't want to go. God, this week sucks ass.
It is often one of my greatest fears that I will come to enjoy my aloness so mch i will retire completely from real life and exist only to other people online. Mostly my epxerance as an only child has forced me to entertain myself and most of the time I do.
But today, I felt sad and pathetic and alone and all I wanted was to have one friend who I saw everyday to give me a hug and say, "hey, it's all good, let's go get some choclate and feel blah together or rent a movie or something." But I've got bupkus. My best friend is Long island and my online friends are even farther. I hate days like this. I have fencing soon , m match and I sooo don't want to go. God, this week sucks ass.
(no subject)
Feb. 10th, 2002 12:10 amhad extremly strange sex dream, starring someone I'm not even attracted too.
woke up early, fenced, ran errands, took a five hour nap, woke up at 9pm.
still tired.
Nice day though. Wanted to watch Wilde with Jude Law. Will have to wait till tommorrow.
::shurgs::
Oh and happy anniversary for Chains!
woke up early, fenced, ran errands, took a five hour nap, woke up at 9pm.
still tired.
Nice day though. Wanted to watch Wilde with Jude Law. Will have to wait till tommorrow.
::shurgs::
Oh and happy anniversary for Chains!
It's my birthday! I'm an adult!
Jan. 26th, 2002 08:33 pmWell, technically. But forget to semantics, I'm finally 18. Thank God. It took forever. Anyway, This was just about the best birthday ever. I got to go down and visit my best friend, Joe. Seeing each other for the first time in six months which was fantastic anyway. but even better then that, last night I got to perform in a teen drag show! And I got to hang out with all the drag queens (princesses'? they were all under the age of 20) who were incredibly funny. I discovered two new wrinkles in my continually complex realisation of my sexuality. One, i really like wearing leather collars. Two, as I've said before I like femme guys, well I also discovered that I am extremly attracted to convincing drag queens. Would someone just shoot me now? At this rate i will never be attracted to a man who will date me. Anywhosel, that was a ton of fun and then I made joe watch Velvet Goldmine and he seemed to enjoy it. And school starts again on Monday and for the first time I'm not dreading it because I love the community college and the fact that I didn't have to take midterms on my birthday like i did for the last three years because high school is a hell dimension. aaaaaaaaannnd....my car is fixed! no more being imprisoned in my house! ::dances:: So all in all this was an excellant birthday.
HAH! I updated. so there.
Jan. 24th, 2002 02:59 pmTitle is for Joe. all else can ignore.
Okay so this past weekend was amazing. I met all these extremly awesome people, specfically extremly cool, smart, nice jewish teenager people! That was tons of shits and giggles. I came home real buzzed and exctited. Then I redid my room. That was major cleansing. Then I did scholarship stuff which is just fuckin' boring. Now....now I make dinner go to fencing and find a way to fill up tommorrow so I don't die of boredom. I want my car back. It's in the shop and the guy might not have if for me by Monday.
So.
I sit and wait.
Okay so this past weekend was amazing. I met all these extremly awesome people, specfically extremly cool, smart, nice jewish teenager people! That was tons of shits and giggles. I came home real buzzed and exctited. Then I redid my room. That was major cleansing. Then I did scholarship stuff which is just fuckin' boring. Now....now I make dinner go to fencing and find a way to fill up tommorrow so I don't die of boredom. I want my car back. It's in the shop and the guy might not have if for me by Monday.
So.
I sit and wait.
two and half tests done, one half to go... I think I tied my bandanna to tight this morning and constricted bloodflow to my head. Someone quick! Give me an energy boost! ::slumps over in computer chair, other library patrons turn to stare:: Ack. I'm on overload. I have to finish one last college essay and then freedom!!!! I swear...I'm thinking about busting out some majoy party moves when this hell is over.
Say it with me now: How long does it take for a letter to get to Ithcha?
I'm also emotionaly wiped cause I wound up telling my dad about everything yesterday. WE had this really emotional conversation and I cried a lot. He was incredibly supportive, but now I feel totally drained both emotionaly and physcially. Not to mention mentally.
Irony: My high school friends who conventinly forget about me while I'm here at the college, suddenly remembered I existed because one of them is the editor of the yearbook and they're desprate for a poem to fill the front page. So despite everything and how much i hate the high school, it may well be that my poem will be the front page of the yearbook. Sopmetimes I swear I can just hear God lauging and laughing.
Say it with me now: How long does it take for a letter to get to Ithcha?
I'm also emotionaly wiped cause I wound up telling my dad about everything yesterday. WE had this really emotional conversation and I cried a lot. He was incredibly supportive, but now I feel totally drained both emotionaly and physcially. Not to mention mentally.
Irony: My high school friends who conventinly forget about me while I'm here at the college, suddenly remembered I existed because one of them is the editor of the yearbook and they're desprate for a poem to fill the front page. So despite everything and how much i hate the high school, it may well be that my poem will be the front page of the yearbook. Sopmetimes I swear I can just hear God lauging and laughing.
