Fic: Five Women Jayne Cobb Loves (3/3)
Sep. 1st, 2009 09:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
harahelTitle: Five Women Jayne Cobb Loves
Author: Vera
Rating: R-ish for bad language, whores and violence.
Pairing: Jayne/River, Jayne/OFCs
Summary: The women who made the man.
Author Notes: Written for [info]Lauren how_obscure over at [info]rayne_exchange. The prompt was
"Your mind honey is a bleak place / Living in your mind's living in a blank space" -- Action This Day by Queen. Uh...yeah. I'm sorry. This fic got away from me and I'm now no longer sure how it relates to the prompt. I hope you still enjoy it!
This is un-beta'd. I ran out of time to get it looked at. I hope you like it, warts and all.
5. River
Standing in a white washed hallway that reeked of antiseptic, River looked even more out of place than usual. She was covered in gore, her soft hair matted with blood. Doctors and nurses raced around her, tending to multitude of wounded. Jayne stepped cautiously towards her, jumping back when she turned on him, eyes wide.
"Easy there, crazy." Jayne held up his hands. "Got sent to tell you everyone's patched up and sedated mostly. Doc asked me to look after yah seein' as everyone else is occupied."
"Tired." And she did look it, swaying on her bitty feet.
"Can't sleep like that." His nose twitched at the smell comin' off her. Probably a bit of him too. "The Operative pointed out a bunk to kip in. How bout we find some water and soap for yah?"
"Yes, please." She held out her hand expectantly. Not seeing another option, he took it and led her down the hall.
"That was impressive, what you did." He said, because it had been and he figured no one else was gonna tell her that.
"It needed doing." Her free hand trailed over the white walls leaving smears of red. "Not smart, but right."
"Yeah. Exactly." Jayne felt a bit sick all of a sudden, thinking about the Shepherd. He never would learn not to get attached to people.
"Its my fault." She said, sounding like she was mostly there. "Like sheep following a wolf."
"Like wolves following more wolves." He steered her into the bunk room. It was filled with military cots in neat lines. Reminded him of prison. "Ain't no on on board didn't know what they was gettin' into."
"Haven..." Her eyes looked wet with tears. Jayne shifted uncomfortably.
"You didn't kill them people. Sometimes, people just wind up in the wrong spot." He rubbed the back his neck. "Get clean. Clothes are a loss, but there's hospital type things if you can stand 'em."
To his immense relief, she obeyed, leaving him alone with his thoughts for the first time since they'd found the Shepherd bleeding out. Seemed like he'd barely breathed since then. The immense Alliance ship hummed around him, just far off enough Serenity's tune to grate at his nerves. Everyone was raw, bleeding and grieving, not leaving room for his kind of mourning or clumsy comfort.
"The skin is clean." River announced, exiting from the tiny bathroom scrubbed pink, wearing white hospital scrubs. "The hair is a problem."
Inara would probably be better at this kind of thing, but she was bent over Mal's gurney talking about missed opportunities. Jayne was here. He didn't know much about hair, but he knew about getting blood out of things.
"Gimme a minute." He went back out to the infirmary and bullied a nurse into giving him a bowl and her personal fancy hair conditioner to augment the antiseptic shampoo and cheap plastic comb. Armed, he returned to the bunk to find River drowsing on one of the beds. "Only gonna get worse if you lie on it."
"Don't need it. Only weight. Shave it off." She yawned.
"You'd miss it and probably somebody would do some yellin' over it." He got her sitting up on the bed, then went to fill the bowl up with hot water. As an after thought, he washed his hands surprised by the filth that swirled down the drain. What with all the death and fear, how long had it been since he took a proper shower? Didn't bare thinking on.
Settling behind her, he worked the shampoo through her hair, trying to rinse out the worst of it. He had to refill the bowl three times and the stain forming around the rim would probably never come out. Eventually it was clean enough to work with. He smeared conditioner into her scalp.
"Too cold." She protested until he warmed the stuff between his hands first.
Working in sections, he concentrated on getting every last knot out. If he thought about that instead of everything else, he could stay calm. Flakes of dried blood and strands of hair rained down across her shoulders and onto the bed. Thick clumpy knots slowly gave way to his efforts, yielding to the comb and his fingers. At some points, she seemed nearly asleep, head nodding forward and then she would snap back awake eyes wild.
"Just Jayne." He'd remind her when that happened. "No need to be gettin' stabby."
"Wouldn't." She'd protest. "You're helping the tangles."
"Trying." He agreed.
And he eventually succeeded. The cot they'd been sitting on was soaked with reddish water and he'd used up the whole bottle of conditioner, but her hair hung unhindered and clean.
"Thank you." River yawned until her jaw cracked. "Jayne should shower now."
"Jayne should do a lot of things." He unwillingly echoed her yawn. "Get you into another bed for one."
He picked up her up and she was too tired to protest as he placed her in a fresh bed. Feeling a mite odd about it, he tucked her under the covers like he would of for his sisters or Ma. He watched until he was sure she was asleep before he followed her directive. The hot water felt mightly good and there was more than enough of it for him get rid of the grime. The provided scrubs matched River's, but the shirt was too tight. Fatigue caught up with him and he used the shirt to dry his hair some before climbing into a free bed and falling into a dead sleep.
He dreamed that he was running from Reavers. They'd got his scent and tracked him over broken buildings. He looked for a weapon, but all dead bodies strewn around him stared up accusingly and he didn't dare touch them. Rough hands were closing in around him, hot breath on his neck. Someone was screaming.
Someone was screaming. Jayne sat bolt upright, searching for his gun. It took him a long minute to recall where he was and what the screaming must be. River was thrashing in her sleep, tearing up the sheets with clenched fists.
"Hey now." Jayne stood uneasily at her bedside, all to aware that waking her up the wrong way might mean pain to his person. "C'mon now girlie."
She started to whimper, body still tense. Not wanting to shake her, he figured maybe just touching her forehead real soft like might be all right. He smoothed the hair back from her forehead. Her eyes didn't open, but her hands reached for his arm, holding on like a lifeline. It was sit down or be pulled down, so he sat.
"Look, I'm gonna need that arm back." He winced as her grip tightened.
"Not right now." Her eyes flickered open and she leaned against his back, still clinging to him. "It's strengthening to have something grounded. Something that dreams can't catch hold of."
"Did look like a fearsome nightmare."
"There's a killer in my head." She muttered. "Ready to gnash it's teeth."
"Join the club." He sighed. "Ain't like you can't control it. Just got to put it to good use like you did today."
"Good, not smart." She mimicked his sigh. "So tired, but sleep brings the killer back."
That sounded like a bad plan to Jayne, who having survived the last few weeks didn't want to meet his maker because the crazy girl wasn't getting her shut eye.
"How bout you sleep and I'll stand guard. Wake you up if things get nasty."
River tilted her head and did that thing where she looked right into you. Usually it made him shudder, but this time he tried his best to just think calm things. Warm bed, friendly voices and Serenity's engines humming along in the black. It seemed to work some, soothing her. He fluffed up a pillow and leaned against the wall. Her hold on his arms eased a bit and she settled up against him, him over the covers and her under. He really had meant to stand guard, but there was only so much wakefulness a body could manage.
"That don't look comfortable." Kaylee said with a laugh. "We should probably wake 'em."
"I should be disturbed..." Simon coughed.
"I didn't do nothin' a preacher wouldn't've approved." Jayne opened his eyes to regard them both. Simon looked tired, but no longer had the pall of death around him. Someone had bandaged up his torso pretty good and plopped him a wheelchair. Kaylee must have been pushing it though she didn't look like she had the strength for it. She was leaning over the back of the chair like she might topple over otherwise.
"Didn't think anything else." Kaylee smiled. "Everyone's comin' in to talk, Cap'n's orders."
Jayne shrugged. He'd fallen asleep sitting up, one arm curled around her back. The girl was entirely under the covers, except for one hand which was still wrapped firmly around his wrist and the top of her head which was using his stomach as a pillow. He started to move and shuddered.
"Gorram it. My neck's all froze up." He tried again to get up. Slow this time. Everything hurt, his body finally protesting the time spent pushing it too hard without rest. And hell, his arm wasn't budgin. "Let go, girl. I gotta piss."
"Nice." Simon sighed and reached over to shake River awake. "Let Jayne up, mei mei."
"Simon!" She sat up quickly, smiling. "You're ok!"
"Mostly. I won't be playing hoopball any time soon."
Jayne beat a hasty retreat to the restroom and stayed there a long while. The hot water of another shower relieved the tension in his muscles until he thought he could face another day of breathing. The voices out side gathered and grew louder. By the time he was dressed, the whole crew of Serenity, bandaged and battered were sitting around on the military style bunks.
"Jayne." Mal waved him to sit. "How long would it take you to remove the stuff you welded on to my ship?"
"Couple hours." He shrugged. "Maybe a day if somethin' were stubborn or bent in from the crash. Long as I had the right tools."
"The engine needs a lot of love." Kaylee sighed. "And I can't reach half of it yet. My arms are noodly."
"Someone has to fix the cockpit." Zoe was pacing and Jayne decided she was still in that dangerous period of mourning where suicide looked like a fine option. And someone like Zoe wasn't disinclined to take someone with them.
"Now our new good friend has volunteered a lot of Alliance services that may or may not be his to give." Mal folded his arms over his chest, making eye contact with all of them. "But I'd feel better if you were all helping over see and maybe doing some of the close work yourselves. Keep a lookout for anything that looks like a bug. I don't fancy taking off only to be taken in.
"Simon, you're on restocking duty." Mal said firmly like he wasn't give the Doc an easy job to compensate for his injuries. "Infirmary, kitchen and cleaning supplies. Inara, I hate to ask you, but you're the best at these things. Could you plan the funerals?" She nodded wordlessly, looking perfectly sad like she looked perfectly everything. "Kaylee you're on all things mechanical. Jayne, you're with Kaylee. When she can spare you, get those pieces of go se off my ship. Me and Zoe are gonna figure out what comes next."
"What about me?" River tilted her head. "I want to help."
Mal looked at her helplessly, then to Zoe, who shrugged.
"Reckon we'll need a pilot." He said quietly. "You got the aptitude for it."
"Yes." She had her legs stretched straight out in front of her, occasionally reaching for her toes, stretching. "But in the now? The healing time?"
"Me and Kaylee can use 'er." Jayne surprised himself by saying. "She's tiny and flexy. There'll be fine work to be done."
"I didn't even think on that." Kaylee beamed at him. "Bet between the three of us we won't need any of them other folk near at all, 'cept for parts."
And they didn't. It took weeks to fix up Serenity back to what she was, maybe even a little better with so many new parts. Somewhere in there, Inara did the funerals. The ceremony was all right, but mostly lost in the jumble of grease and parts. Kaylee talked a lot as they worked. About the people she missed, not just Wash and the Haven folk, but people from her past. Jayne just listened because he wasn't sure what to say.
"There was a boy." She said real quiet like one day when River was hanging above them, slowly rewiring somethin' intricate at Kaylee's instruction. "I was just a bitty girl really. Wasn't real handsome, but good folk. We used to fish together in this little creek ran by my house. Never did catch anything. I thought he was the best thing in pants."
She trailed off, watching River. Jayne fussed some over the pieces he was supposed to be cleaning until he caved and asked,
"What happened to 'em?"
"Farm accident. Piece of machinery backed up on him." She sighed. "Feel like every story I got these days ends sad."
"All stories end sad." He focused on getting a piston to slid proper. "Why you gotta enjoy the good parts when they're 'round."
"You mean Simon?"
He hadn't actually, wasn't even really thinking about Kaylee, but he shrugged and nodded anyway.
"Done." River jumped down, landing softly in front of them. She gave him one of her queer looks. "A story for a story. You can share your remembering."
"You got someone back home?" Kaylee looked at him with naked interest.
"Course not." Jayne stood up abruptly, setting down the bottle. "Can't sit around. There's work to be done."
They worked in silence for the rest of the day. That night when everyone else had gone back to the base to sleep, he went down into his mostly intact bunk. He'd lived shipboard over half his life now and knew how to keep everything pinned down. He pulled down Shiloh's quilt, running his hands over the different squares. He couldn't even remember her face properly anymore. Time had stripped away at his memories until they were bare of any useful details. Some day he'd be dead and no one would remember her or Ellie, hell even Vera... He scrubbed at his eyes.
"She made him sad."
"Who's that?" He was up again in a moment, reaching for the nearest gun when he saw River sitting on the stairs. He hadn't bothered closing the hatch behind him. "Gorram girl. Tryin' to give me a heart attack? Why ain't you back at the base?"
"Wanted to say sorry." She wrapped her arms around her knees. "For suggesting you share your private thoughts with Kaylee. They would have eased her sadness."
"Yeah, well." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Maybe next time leave my personal business out of it."
"She likes it when you dream of them." She said wistfully.
"That's just creepifying." He stood up. "C'mon. Best get you back to the others before your brother loses his mind."
"He's asleep, all wrapped up in Kaylee thoughts." She smiled briefly, then frowned. "Zoe's crying."
"Ain't surprised." He started up the stairs, forcing her to scramble backwards.
"Why alone?" River asked him, looking a bit lost like she might wander off. "Captain would be there if she let him."
"She ain't the type to cry on someone's shoulder." Jayne had liked that about her.
"It's not noble." River informed him. "Humans are social animals. They do not thrive standing apart."
"She's not..." Jayne frowned, piecing together how to explain it. "That kinda mournin' is private. Ain't nothin anyone could say or do that'll make it better. Maybe one day she'll tell stories about 'em and laugh. Not now."
"It keeps him alive." The girl was walking backwards now. "The pain keeps her thinking on him and letting it out might mean that he disappears. But that's not true."
"Guess sometimes things can be true to people that ain't true on the whole. Like how some of those things you see are all solid to you, but the rest of think you're cracked like an egg."
"They are real." She frowned at him. "Just not where you can see."
"Kinda my point." The base loomed over them and his fingers itched to start shootin' just on principle at an Alliance building. "Get on to bed now."
"You aren't coming?"
"Gonna patrol some." There wasn't any reason too, but he felt too revved up to sleep. And wouldn't you know there wasn't a good bar fight or whore within a thousand miles from here.
"Patrol." She looked doubtful. "Need something to do. Have a purpose. The mechanics of a mind bound to the physical. Alternatively, you could brush the girl's hair. Working on Serenity's insides have given it knots and Simon's fingers aren't as deft at parting tangles as they are at surgery."
"Oh, hell no!" Jayne protested.
Ten minutes later he was working a comb through her hair and blaming it on the doe eyes. Kaylee must be given her lessons or some such. River seemed to take his acceptance of the situation for granted and every night after that, she came to him with a brush in hand and her big eyes. He never would admit that he enjoyed it.
Eventually Serenity was fixed up and gleaming inside. If you ignored all the places where the metal was too clean or the parts too new, you could think nothing had ever happened. The black was waiting for them, swallowing up Serenity as comfortable as ever. They even had a job planned on some third rate moon. Everything was nearly too much like before, except for River sitting up where Wash should be. Even Jayne, who'd never felt much beyond irritation with the man felt his lack. 'Specially round the dinner table when things got quiet and sober real fast.
Before everyone could make a beeline for the door with their separate plates, Inara brought in a large box.
"It's tradition in many places to give away the objects of the dead." Everyone fell silent and stood still staring at her. "I've already spoken with Zoe and she would like to do so, but in her own time."
Way she said it, Jayne reckoned, Zoe had probably used a lot more curse words and maybe thrown something at her. The woman in question wasn't around, still keeping mostly to herself.
"We probably won't return to Mr. Universe's planet, so from him we have only memory." She opened the box, slow like. "But Shepherd was one of us and I thought...I hope no one minds me dispersing some of his things."
"Oh, Inara." Kaylee rushed up to give her a hug. "That musta been so hard, goin' there and gettin' some of his things just so's we could have somethin' to remember him by."
"I tried to find something that fit for everyone." Her hands trembled as she reached in. "This is for you Kaylee."
"It's that nice paintin' he always had." The frame glinted a little in the light. "Thank you."
"And for you Simon." She dipped her hands in again, passing him a leather briefcase. "It's empty."
"I can use it to carry medical supplies when we're off ship." He looked it over carefully. "But if someone else... I mean we weren't that close."
"We're the only family he has left alive." Inara turned from him to reach into her box again. "River, here honey."
River reached out as Inara draped her hands with a long white scarf. She wrapped it around her neck right away, forehead furrowed up.
"Mal." Inara pressed a thin wallet into his hands. "His Ident card is in there, along with a few other personal papers. I think he would have wanted you to know who he is now that his secrets can't hurt anyone."
"Maybe." Mal rubbed a finger over the soft black leather. "Maybe not. I'll think on it."
Jayne watched Inara carefully as she returned to the box.
"I thought about this one." She paused right in front him. "But of all of us, he seemed to get along the best with you most days."
She pressed the bible into Jayne's hand. It wasn't fancy or big. It was patched up from when River had torn pages out and there was a blood stain where it'd been held close in the last moments. If Jayne'd thought about it all, he would have said Mal should have it, but he wasn't gonna say so now.
"Thanks." He mumbled, staring at it like it might start up talking.
The distribution over, everyone sort of stared at each other a minute, before taking up their plates and scattering. Jayne headed toward the cargo bay and sat up next to weight bench while he ate. When he finished, he wiped his hands on his pants and took up the bible again. The print was too small for him, but he read a bit of it anyhow. Some of the words were unfamiliar, but the stories were the same.
"I shouldn't have torn it up." River materialized next to him. Jayne didn't even jump, he was getting used to her spooky ways. "But some of it was so wrong."
"Wrong how?"
"They reflect a past that isn't our present, God is implausible at best. An angry child."
Jayne ran his thumb down the spine of the beat up little book. Religion wasn't something he'd thought much about except for occasional conversations with the the Shepherd and long ago with Dom. He just assumed that if there was a God, that he was slated for an unpleasant afterlife, so it was best to enjoy this one.
Shepherd's God hadn't seemed angry though. More tired like people were bad children who wore him out. Jayne pictured him being something like Mal sitting at the head of the table, watching all the bickering, flirting and eating. Sometimes he looked like a proud Pa, others like he wanted to shoot every last one of them.
"Don't know about that." He said, staring at the blood stained cover. "Maybe he just does the best he can like most folk."
"Like you?" Her head tilted like she was mightly interested in the answer. Jayne shrugged.
"I survive."
"Survival is not enough." She decreed, sinking down next to him. "Simon thinks it is, but that is a lie. How can we only just survive when there is so much else to do?"
"Like what?" He stared out across the cargo bay. "Didn't we already do enough? You don't have another dead planet in your head, do you?"
"Thinking too literally." She scolded. "Survival is basic, animal. Being human is much more. We play, think, laugh and create which keeps humans separate."
"Your brother thinks I'm an animal. Untrained ape, if I remember rightly."
"Simon is a moron." She smiled fondly. "You're much tidier than an ape."
"Thanks." He felt too tired to get angry with her for what was her attempt at a compliment. It felt like something was weighing him down, preventing him from simply getting up and leaving.
"Also, apes don't mourn." She patted his hand.
"Don't you have somewhere to go be crazy?" He growled.
"No." Her dark hair fell over her face. "This is the choice location for mourning. The others are dwelling on the pilot, but the Shepherd was kind and deserves memory too."
"Guess he was." There were no other words in him, not for that.
"Read a story?" She coaxed, looking down at the small book.
"You don't want me readin' to yah." He snorted. "Be here all night. 'Sides you don't like these stories none, remember?"
"Not for themselves, but to who they are meaningful." Long legs refolded themselves and suddenly she was sitting nearly on top of him, their sides pressed together. "The speed is not important."
"You asked for it." No particular story came to mind, so he just started right at the beginning. "In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth..."
He read haltingly, River pressed to him silent and wide eyed. She didn't interrupt or correct his pronunciation. Could be that she wasn't even fully listening. It felt good though, to just sit quiet with someone, thinking on someone they'd both liked and lost. He read until the words were blurry and his ass was numb. At some point, River put her head on his arm.
"Bout time little crazy girl's head to bed, ain't it?" He closed the book firmly.
"Only if it is also time for large disgruntled mercenaries to sleep."
"Reckon it is." He stood abruptly, so that she nearly tumbled over. "C'mon, I'll hand you off to your gorram brother. Bet he's wonderin' where you got to?"
"Simon is busy." River's eyes got that loose look to them. "He and Kaylee are making the beast with two backs that undulates and moans."
"Hey now!" He made a face. "Don't need to be hearin' about that. Kaylee, sure, but not the doc."
"He thinks the same thing of you." She smiled, holding up her hands and he pulled her up, not thinking on it much.
"Bed." Jayne pointed. "And don't think I'm above tossing you into your bunk if you don't get."
River ran ahead of him laughing and eventually he heard her door slam shut which was good enough for him.
~*~
The first time Jayne really noticed that River was getting to be a woman, it was a year after Miranda. He was laid up, recovering from a knife wound to his gut, so Mal had taken Zoe and River with him to do the drop off. Jayne got out Vera and waited by the cargo bay just in case someone followed them home. There was a peel off thunder that shook the ship. Rain fell hard on Serenity's metal shell, deafening him. The door opened crankily about five minutes in.
"Sort this out." Mal stomped in first, hair plastered to his forehead. He'd thrown a bag at Jayne's feet. It was filled with jewelry. "Pick out everything worth keeping. I'll be in my bunk." As he stomped off, his boots made a squelching noise.
"Don't mind him." Zoe's voice rumbled as she and River came in, the door rolling up behind them. "He's just grumpy because you saw it before him."
"Captain forgets that the girl has extra eyes." River rolled the ones in her head.
"Something like that." Zoe squeezed her shoulder and then followed Mal's route.
"We got you shinies." River turned to Jayne, smiling. "I like the ruby."
Jayne reached in and found a nice one, round and big enough for a rich lady's ring. He looked up to toss it to her and found his mouth had gone dry. The rain had soaked her flimsy dress, plastering it to her skin. Where she usually looked as straight up and down as a boy, now she had curves. Where'd those come from anyway? Her hips were gently rounded, thighs muscled and her ass...
"Hello?" She waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Ruby?" She stuck out her hand and he handed it over. There were tits under those billowy dresses. Why'd he never see them before?
"Cannot trail moisture into the bunk. Already there is a proclivity for mold." She straightened, sighing.
"What?" Jayne blinked. As he watched, she bent over lifting the hem of her skirt. Water poured off of it as she lifted it up and off her body. The discarded fabric fell with a light thud at his feet. All he had attention for was her skin gleaming white under the florescent. Her underthings were simple. Practical white undies and pink cotton bra. He could tell it was too small for her, her breasts practically popping out.
"River..." He breathed out. Then paused and took in a deep breath. "Girl you know you're not supposed to run around half-naked."
"Not running." She laughed. "Walking."
And she did walk off, leaving wet footprints. It took him a long minute to get up and follow, swearing when the wound in his gut pulled hard. He tracked her down the halls and into the mess. Only she weren't there. Everyone else was though, looking pleased with themselves.
"Happy Birthday, Jayne!" Kaylee smiled at him. She had something on plate that could've been a cake if you squinted.
"How'd you know..." He frowned. No one had celebrated his birthday since time out of remembrance. Except for a solitary letter from his Ma.
"In the cortex." River appeared at his elbow. She was dressed again, but her hair was still wet and bedraggled looking.
"We done celebrated everyone else's out here." Kaylee blushed, setting the cake down. "Just occurred to me we ain't never done yours."
"Oh." He thrust his hands in his pockets, looking around the table. Everyone was looking at him, expecting...what? "That's real nice of you. Thanks, Kaylee."
"How old are you, anyway?" Simon asked, idly playing with fork.
"Don't rightly remember." Jayne shrugged, setting down to his usual place at the table. Kaylee hadn't lit the cake up, probably because they were out candles, real or synthesized. Couldn't afford a penny of extra expense these days. Though maybe with the shinies in the hold they'd be in a better position.
"Thirty-eight." River piped up again, sitting cross legged in the chair next to his.
Really? Jayne thought about and the number seemed right. Nearly forty when he'd never excepted to see thirty.
"What else you know about him?" Mal asked, putting his elbows in the table, eyes bright.
"Look it up yourself." River said calmly, receiving her piece of not-quite-cake.
"Reckon I did when we brought him on board, but I didn't find so much as a date like you did. 'Parently I didn't look hard enough."
"It wasn't hard." River shrugged. "The records were there for the taking. Alliance tracks births, marriages and deaths. Warrants."
Jayne snorted. Plenty of those that Mal had probably located in a more general search.
"Anything I should know?" Mal pressed.
"What difference would it make?" River's eyes flashed like they did when she was getting heated. Defending his privacy. "Would it make him a different entity? One less worthy of trust?"
"No. Suppose it wouldn't."
"Do you like the cake?" Kaylee asked brightly and the topic veered to other pastures.
Still, later that night, Jayne couldn't help but think on home and what River might have found crawling through his records. Nothing that talked about who he was, just facts. Clean, simple. Dates of birth, never married, still alive. Warrants for arrest on three planets and one shiny new one thanks to Miranda. Maybe a few notes about bar pubs and shots taken. Medical records that listed a few bad scrapes, maybe a childhood illness. And if asked a year ago, he would have read it over and nodded. Said nothing was really missing. That a page full of facts summed him up well.
A year changed things. Showed a person how decisions were complicated. That there was great good to match any great evil. That complete strangers could love each other if they had too. He'd spent this year reading through the battered bible, talking to River and thinking. Three things he'd never been much for before. He still didn't understand half the things in the little book nor did he think he was getting religious. River only confused things more, talking in circles the way she still did. Between the two, it probably explained why he spent so much time thinking. So he did what he always did when he had something pressing on his mind.
He wrote to his Ma.
Dear Ma,
I got your birthday letter. Thanks again for the scarf. It matches the hat real good. Hope the harvest was a good one. We're having lean times here. Jobs come up, but with alliance on our tails, we spend more time running than working. Still, I got a few coins to send along and more than that when we sell some of the gems we got.
Had a birthday party this year. Nothing fancy, just a bit of protein looking like cake, but it made me feel weird. Guess I really am one of the crew now, even if most of them wouldn't've pissed on me if I was on fire just a few months ago (not sorry for cussing cause it's true). Though I reckon I wouldn'tve done it for them either, except Kaylee. Things are different now.
I know you want me to write and tell you I met a nice girl. And you know how I keep saying that I haven't met the right one yet? That's been a sort of lie and I don't like lying to you. There is a girl, Ma. Crazy slip of a thing that I told you about. But you know, even if her brother didn't cut off my bits for lookin' at her funny, even if she liked me back, I don't think I could do it.
I was thinking about you, back in your whorin' days and all the men that must have made you stupid offers and did awful things that you tried to hide from me... but you just got right back up and married someone you love. How? How could you feel good about a person again? Trust them not to die or be awful or stab you in the back?
Also, I'm sending along the sweater you made me a few years back. Could you fix the hole in the stomach? Thanks.
love your son,
Jayne
He felt better for having wrote it. Packaging up his sweater and a few credits, he snuck down to the cargo bay to set it with the other post. He could see a few other letters in there. Mostly Kaylee's letters back home to her folks, but there were also a few from Mal and one from Zoe. She'd started writing Wash's folks as well as her own. River and Simon had no mail, of course. Even if they were still on speaking terms with their folks, the Tams would have been rich enough to wave right out from the privacy of their own homes.
They probably wouldn't stop somewhere that could send mail for another few weeks. Then it'd take a few more to actually get to Thanatos. Than his Ma would have to find time to write, darn the sweater and send it back. And than it'd have to catch up with Serenity. It was possible he wouldn't hear from her for another six or seven months. Still it was good just to see it lying there, ready to go out into the Verse.
"Jayne's up late." River appeared behind him. Jayne had near gotten used to her ability to startle him. The key was expecting her to always be there. "Should be resting, to heal."
He'd forgotten all about the gorram injury, but now with the reminder, the pain flared to life.
"Yeah well, had to do something first." He started to hobble towards his room.
"You'll fall over!" She clicked her tongue in exasperation, before ducking under one arm. "Lean on me."
"I'll squash yah." He laughed, but leaned anyway. She was terribly strong, he'd grown to learn. Her arms and legs were willowy, but densely muscled.
"Physically impossible." She sniffed as they made their slow way down the corridors. The body he'd glimpsed before, now pressed warmly to his side. He could catch a hint of her scent, mostly the same cheap shampoo they all used, but also the undercurrent of slightly sweaty female and something tart that was uniquely hers.
At his room, she paused, slipping out from under his arm. She regarded him with the interest she usually saved for the cortex or her own visions.
"Got any more advice before I turn in?" He growled, propping himself against the display.
"No." She leaned up on her tiptoes and looked him right in the eye. Then she kissed him on the cheek, light as a feather. "It is traditional to kiss someone after walking them home."
And then she was gone again.
Jayne decided that the best course of action was to climb into bed and forget that it'd even happened. River seemed to be of the same mind because she didn't mention it either. Instead she watched over him with curious intensity as he pushed his body to recovery. She would spot him as he lifted weights and hang from a parallel bar when did pull ups. When the leg could hold serious weight again, he worked it carefully to bring it back up to snuff. River always told him when to stop when he started to feel strain. Of course, occasionally she was need to actually pilot the ship, but Mal seemed to be taking a liking to the job of late, leaving her with more free time.
All that togetherness would normally drive Jayne crazy, but River wasn't the kind to make a man feel crowded in. She was silent for the most part for one thing. If he felt like talking, she'd listen and not make much comment. And mostly...
Well everyone Serenity was so gorram special, weren't they? Mal with his whole bad man on the outside, sticky gooey good on the inside and a fair amount of smarts. Same with Zoe. The Doc and Kaylee were geniuses in their own fields. And River was a certified genius, ballerina, mind reader assassin. And Jayne was just the muscle. He lifted things, followed trails and shot people. Sure he was good at what he did, but so were hundreds of other mercenaries.
But when River was watching him, her genius broken mind whirring at hundred clicks an hour, Jayne didn't feel that way. When she approached him with a brush or sat with him when his body was worn out or asked him to read her stories from the Shepard's bible or helped him tune up Ellie's battered guitar, he felt like a man worth something.
Of course someone was bound to notice it and ruin it for him, even when he was behaving himself like a gorram angel.
"River!" Simon's voice echoed through the cargo hold. "River, you have to come eat dinner!"
"She is eating!" River called out from the rafters. "Jayne gave me bread."
"Bread?" Simon strained to see her, finally standing directly beneath her, bread crumbs raining down on his head.
"Yeah, picked it up yesterday by mistake. Want some?" Jayne offered him a roll from the box he was digging through. "It'll go stale if we don't eat it soon."
"Thank you." Simon took the roll, sniffed it warily.
"It's fine." River informed him, spraying still more crumbs down on him. "Don't be such a worrywort."
"We both had bits, so did Mal and no one's dead." Jayne reassured him.
Simon took a tentative bite than another, a soft sigh of contentment escaping his lips.
"It's good, but it's still not dinner." He looked up at River.
"Also ate soup and protein bar." She informed him tartly. Jayne was beginning to think the crumbs were being aimed at Simon which amused him mightly.
"You made soup?"
"Jayne made it." She grinned. "I was hungry early and he said you should eat when you're hungry because your body knows better than a gorram clock."
Years of self-preservation prevented Jayne from looking up, but he could feel Simon's eyes boring down on him.
"You've been spending a lot of time with Jayne lately." Simon said slowly.
"Yes." She agreed.
"Is that my fault? Should I be paying more attention to you? Maybe Kaylee and I..."
"Need friends." River said sharply. "It gets lonely with everyone all busy with each other. Jayne always has time for me."
He'd never really looked at it that way. Given his skill set, he had a lot of free time when they were in the black.
"I can make time for you." Simon was clearly feeling guilty though Jayne didn't know what for. He'd already given everything he had to River and the girl was appreciative. No one expected him to throw over Kaylee to spend more quality time with his sister.
"You do." River said gently, finally jumping down to give him a brief hug. "But brothers need to have time off too."
"Couldn't you spend time with Inara or Zoe...or Mal?"
"No. I like Jayne." She smiled and kissed her brother lightly on the cheek. "Run along now."
"But..."
"Get." River patted him on the shoulder. "Kaylee's making dinner and she'll be upset if you're late."
Clearly addled, Simon walked slowly away, mouthing over and over to himself 'She likes Jayne?'
"Want another roll?" Jayne offered, bemused.
"No thank you." She leaned against the rail next to him, then asked tentatively, "You're my friend, right?"
"Yeah." Jayne decided. "Yeah, I am."
It seemed highly unlikely, but there it was. Simon did start trying to spend more time with River. Even set her up on play dates with Inara. He tried with Zoe, but she wasn't inclined to play along. Mal put her behind the wheel more often, sending Jayne warning looks. It got so he felt guilty even though he hadn't done anything. Still, River stuck to her guns and showed up next to him whenever she had a moment. When she wasn't around for a while, Jayne got to missing her. Hell, he even liked hearing he voice over the comm.
Fact was, he barely listened to what she was saying, so it took a minute to process:
"There's a wave for Jayne from Thanatos."
When it sunk in, he was at a dead run. In the twenty years he'd been away from home, he had never gotten a wave. They were expensive on Thanatos and there were only a few machines available. Worst case scenarios flashed through his head. His Ma hadn't even waved him when his first nephew was born. Someone had to be dead.
It comforted him some when he arrived in the cockpit to see his Ma's face. At least she was all right. Behind her, he could see the dingy curtain of the wave booth. Probably in the general store.
"Jayne!" She smiled, her face nearly unchanged over the years. She'd accumulated some wrinkles to be sure, but Jayne figured she was still one of the most beautiful women he'd ever met. Her hair was even still black and shiny. "Oh, you look so handsome."
"Hi, Ma." He grinned back, nearly forgetting his initial panic. "You look mighty good, yourself."
"Still sweet talking, I see." She leaned closer to the screen. "When are you going to come home for a visit?"
"I dunno, Ma." He shifted uncomfortably.
"I'm not trying to guilt you." She said softly. "But when I read your letter...I was so worried about you. My Jayne has always been so sure of what he wants. So stubborn. I wanted to see your face."
"Ma! You waved because you wanted to see my ugly mug? I figured someone was dying or something. It's too much."
"Jayne, honey, you ain't been home in a long time. What do you think we did with all that money you sent home? Plant it in the ground?" She shook her head. "We're not poor anymore. Maybe not rich, but we got enough for me to call my oldest son if I've a mind too."
"Oh." He hadn't ever added up the coin he sent home, but thinking on it now, it was a fair large amount.
"Oh is right. Now I want you to tell me about this girl."
"Ma!" Jayne protested, but when he looked around the cockpit, River was gone. He let out a sigh of relief. "She was the one that answered the wave."
"Pretty, then." Ma nodded approvingly. "She is young."
"Don't I know it. I'm old enough to be her Pa."
"That ain't nothin' with nothin'. Dom was your age when I married him and I was only twenty-four." Ma sniffed. "I waved you because you asked me a question."
"I did?"
"In that sad little letter of yours. You wanted to know how I could trust and love someone after everything that happened to me, right?"
"Yeah, reckon I did."
"Well listen good then. I did it because there is no other way to live. I know you think you're some great big lone wolf, but I've read your letters close and that little crew you got is something like a family. Maybe you ain't always liken them or them liken you, but that's family's for you. You find a place where people accept what you bring, tell you when you're being an idiot and watch your back. A husband was all that and someone to warm my bed."
"Ma!"
"What? It's true. You need someone to stand next to you in life or you'll topple over." She wagged a finger at him. "And don't you be afraid of nothing. I figure you've had some bad luck, hard times. Maybe you've done bad because of it, but you've done more on the good lately. Enough good it liked to kill you. God in heaven owes you some good. So why wouldn't you take it when it's offered?"
"I dunno." Jayne stared at her. "What if she don't want me back?"
"Then she's a fool and you don't need her."
Jayne laughed. Dom came into the booth then and they chatted about other things. Turned out the farm was doing real well with the extra help and better irrigation system they'd been able to install. Mattie was finished with university and was looking to start a high school for farm kids. Darcy was knocked up and refusing to marry the fellow because he was 'a knock knee moron'. Jackie and her family had moved to town to try their hand at running a sewing store. By the time they had to say goodbye, Jayne found that for the first time in years, he was homesick.
"I love you, Ma." He choked out. "I'll try to get home soon."
"I love you too, my baby boy." She smiled tenderly at him, wiping away tears. "Mind what I said."
The screen flickered and went dark, but Jayne stayed where he was for a long time, just looking out over the stars.
He thought about Ellie and how he'd won her by accident. One day they were just screwing and the next she'd wanted him for something more. They'd been so young though. What could she have seen in his fourteen year old self? He'd been cocky, crude and paying her for sex. Looking back, he could see where maybe she'd just wanted what he could give her. A good name, a place to live and selling herself only to the one client, one she liked. It felt cruel to even think that way, but it was possible.
With Vera, he'd again had nothing near to do with it. The woman had picked him, sexed him and used him. When she was done, she would have just thrown him away. He could have been any beefy kid with a temper and that would have been fine with her.
So the only experience that counted for anything near romantic was courting Shiloh. He could remember taking long walks with her or sitting on the porch swing out side her daddy's house. But that'd been the way things were done.
The long and the short of it was that Jayne didn't have a one gorram idea how someone went about getting a girl for more than a quickie. There was only one person he could talk too.
"Why ask me?" Kaylee asked wide-eyed, setting down her micro-valve adjusted. "Inara's way better at this stuff."
"Yeah, cause it's workin' out so good between her and Mal." He rolled his eyes. The Captain was still playing it cool with her and Inara wasn't exactly committing either. Life had been hard on her in particular since Miranda. The bounty on her head limited her ability to take on clients and the House couldn't take her back. She spent a lot of time sewing. "I know bout sex. It's the other stuff."
"Guess you're right." Kaylee sat back on her heels. "Just seems to me I didn't do anything right with Simon. Can't rightly give you advice when the only thing that worked was thinkin' we were gonna die."
"That's cause Simon's a moron." Jayne opined.
"Yeah." She sighed happily. "What's got you thinkin' on this anyways?"
Jayne looked around wearily. Wouldn't do to have the doc or the cap'n walk in.
"It's River." He admitted. "Girl's gotten under my skin, but good."
"Jayne!" Kaylee squealed. "She's just a girl."
"No she ain't." He scowled. "River ain't been a girl since she got took by them blue hands. "
"Still though..."
"When you was nearly twenty were you still innocent and pure?"
Kaylee laughed. "No. Guess I weren't. But bet you Simon an' the cap'n won't see it that way. It'll be all 'toss him out the airlock'."
Jayne thought about what his Ma said and shrugged.
"I reckon they might. But I ain't gonna do nothin' she don't want. It ain't fair on her anyway." He said slowly as it was something he'd been thinking on. "If it ain't me, it'll be some one some day. They gonna breathe down 'er neck until she's got gray hair? Keep 'er on board so she can't meet no one?"
"Mal was kinda like that with me and Simon." Kaylee said thoughtfully. "Still is sometimes. But River's different. She's so...dunno fragile like."
"Except for the part where she kills like a machine." He pointed out. "Anyone thinks someone could force her to do somethin' they didn't want is a moron."
"Yeah." Kaylee grinned. "And it is kinda romantic. Beauty and the beast like."
"I ain't a beast." He protested, but not hard cause he could see she was coming over to his way of thinking.
"Maybe you got to start by making Simon and them see that." She brushed her bangs away from her face. "Treat her nice and start real slow. Get her some flowers or something."
"Where am I gonna get flowers?"
"Well, like how you bought us apples when you done messed up. " She said. "I mean you didn't tell us what they were for or nothin', but I could tell and thought it was a nice way of doin' it. Get her things she likes. Little things. Do things nice for her. And you know, be friendly like you've been doin'. That's all most people want. To be treated good."
"The doc is doin' that for you right?" Jayne asked, eyes narrowing at the wistful tone in her voice.
"Oh, he's still learnin'." She smiled. "But he does all right. Even got down with me into the engine and got all greasy while I showed him what goes where."
"Well that's all right then." He stood up, mind slowly churning. "Thanks. And uh...you know, don't say nothin to no one."
She mimed zipping her lips and winked at him. "Thanks."
He thought on what she'd said real hard. Bout kindness and also the things his Ma had said about needing people. When he started to get a headache, he quit thinking and stole up to cockpit. River was manipulating the controls with her feet, head tilted back already staring at him when he walked in. He liked her feet. They were capable.
"Bored." She informed him.
"Don'cha gotta make sure we don't crash into nothin'?"
"Nothing to crash into. Empty space from here to there."
He flopped into the pilot's seat, staring at her. Being River she just stared back before saying. "Your head is busy."
"Yeah well, people keep spinnin' it round."
"You shouldn't let them. You can figure it out on your own."
"You think?"
"I know."
Jayne wiped his palms on his pants.
"River."
"Yes?" She was leaning farther back in her chair, so that her ends of her hair brushed the floor.
"You know how you said we were friends?"
"Yes, Jayne." She said patiently, her face turning red from the rush of blood.
"It just...I was surprised I guess. I thought you hated me."
"I hated what you were. I like who you've become."
"Oh. Do you think...maybe you could one day more than like it?" He sank into the co-pilot's chair. "Cause it seems to me like it's got so I don't know how to get through the day without seein' yah. And...you're bout the best friend I've ever had which I can't explain."
"Your mine too." She said softly. "No one else on the ship treats me like you do. Like I'm a person who can determine their own path."
Jayne flushed. "Look, I guess what I'm gettin' at is....I'm older than you by a fair bit and in this line a work, might not get much older. I ain't romantic. And you're bout five hundred times smarter than me. Reckon if you lived planetside, you could get any guy you wanted. But you don't and I guess what I'm sayin' is I'm here if you're willin'."
He stared down at his own hands, eyes tracing callouses afraid to meet her spooky smart eyes. He didn't want to see pity. There was some shuffling noises, than she was standing in front of him, pushing his knees apart, tilting his head up in her tiny hands until he had to look up at her. She was smiling.
"I am more than wiling." She kissed him once, gently, ghostlike, on the lips. "I find you handsome and clever and romantic enough."
"I..uh. Thanks." He reached out tentatively, to put one hand on her waist. "I didn't buy yah flowers."
"Unnecessary. In the future, you can purchase me gifts for appropriate occasions." She slid into his touch, settling on his lap. "For now, I would like you to kiss me."
And because Jayne was clever enough, he did. She tasted like what she'd had for dinner, but that was all right. Eventually things started to heat up and Jayne pulled away.
"Reckon we ought to stop before I can't no more."
"But I wasn't done yet." She protested.
"Girl, I'm only about a minute away from taken whatever innocence you have left and I reckon that's a decision you should think on."
She stared at him for a long moment, snorted and rolled her eyes. "Innocence is for losers." It wasn't that funny, but for some reason, Jayne laughed and didn't stop. Eventually, River just joined in and her laugh made him laugh even harder.
Eventually, they slipped to the floor, tears running down their faces. Whenever Jayne thought he was nearly done, he'd look at River and she'd make a ridiculous face at him and off they'd go again.
"Quit it...can't breathe!" He protested after a long while and River finally laid off and settled her head on his chest as he regained himself. "Damn girl, nearly killed me with that."
"My Jayne is heartier than that."
Jayne grinned, liked the sound of the 'my' part. "Yeah, big strong Jayne, survivor of laughter, that's me."
"Jayne?"
"What?"
"The floor is cold and somewhat sticky. Could we go to your bunk?"
"I ain't hearty enough to survive bein' blown out the airlock, girl. Which is exactly what your brother and Mal would do if they saw me taken you down there."
She closed her eyes, listening. "They won't see. Please, I've already waited for you for so long."
"You've been waitin' on me?" He sat up, displacing her.
"You have been very stubborn." She confirmed. "And I did not know how to approach you."
"So you did get naked in front of me on purpose!"
"Of course." She stood up. "And I want to again."
Jayne clamored to get up, ignoring the stiffness in his knees. "Hell, you don't have to ask me twice."
"I just did." She said exasperated.
"All right, all right. We got all night. If I'm gonna die for the privilege, we're gonna take our time."
And he did. Jayne took those precious hours to learn every inch of River's body. It wasn't perfect; River had uncannily strong thigh muscles that near snapped his neck when he was in a delicate position and an accidental slip of her teeth forced a twenty minute pause in the proceedings. Aside from those minor setbacks, Jayne still considered it one of his favorite nights to date. He decided he didn't care what the consequences were, because somehow they would overcome them and he was gonna get to do this every night until River realized she'd gotten the raw end of the deal.
"Thank you." She said sleepily when they were both spent. Her head was tucked up over his shoulder again, one arm thrown loosely over his stomach. The room stank, her hair was in tangles and her elbows were sharp. Jayne reached up and grabbed Shiloh's quilt, dragging it over them.
"River?"
"Mhm?" She mumbled sleepily.
"Don't take this weird, but....I love you."
"I know." He could feel her smile against his chest. "I find it peculiar, but acceptable. Also it is mutual."
He thought about that for a minute, than grinned. "Oh. Well that's real fine then."
"Yes, it is. Now please cease talking so I can sleep."
Chuckling, Jayne obeyed.
Dear Ma,
Just to prove I ain't a complete stubborn fool, I done took your advice. You were right. River was willing. The Cap'n did try to space me, but River kicked him so hard, she broke his nose and that made him re-think things. The doc's been quiet about the whole thing. Kaylee said he's hopin' this is just a phase and if he doesn't say nothing River will just get bored and quit. Seems like he forgets she's goin' on twenty not two. Kaylee is smiling all the time that it looks to hurt her. She likes a sappy ending, I think.
The weirdest thing though, you remember Zoe and how her husband done died? She's been real quiet since then, mostly only talking to Mal. Two days ago, she cornered me in the mess and asked me real intense like if I was serious. When I said yes, she got this look on her face like she might cry and nodded real quick like. Than she looked me dead in the eye and said 'Than you hold onto her and treat her like she's made of gold'. I nodded cause I was afraid she'd knife me or something and then she just walked away. Weird, like I said.
Anyway, that's all that's new. Tell Dom that I got a line out on some of those hybrid seeds he was asking about. Oh, River says she wants to write something at the end, so that's the curly handwriting at the bottom.
Love,
Jayne
Dear Mrs. Cobb,
My name is River Tam. You have probably heard of me and must know that my life has not been an easy one. The last several years of my life have been spent aboard Serenity running from powerful forces. For a long time, your son was resentful of this and in retrospect, I cannot blame him. Serenity was his home and I made it a dangerous one. To his great credit, he surmounted his feelings when it mattered and preformed very admirable acts. I have come to respect and even love him. He frequently reminds me (as do others on the ship) of his age, experience and past that might make our lives together difficult. He may have relayed these to you. I want you to know the truth: it is far more dangerous for him than it is for me and he knows this. Jayne has taken a risk entangling his life in mine and for that I am truly sorry. But not sorry enough to leave him. I hope you will forgive me for that selfishness.
I do not know how long we will have together, but I promise I will do my best to make him happy. I hope one day to discuss this with you face to face. I hope that you will accept me into your family. I have a lot of hope these days, mostly thanks to Jayne. Most of all, I hope that we remain worthy of each other.
Regards,
River Tam
Author: Vera
Rating: R-ish for bad language, whores and violence.
Pairing: Jayne/River, Jayne/OFCs
Summary: The women who made the man.
Author Notes: Written for [info]Lauren how_obscure over at [info]rayne_exchange. The prompt was
"Your mind honey is a bleak place / Living in your mind's living in a blank space" -- Action This Day by Queen. Uh...yeah. I'm sorry. This fic got away from me and I'm now no longer sure how it relates to the prompt. I hope you still enjoy it!
This is un-beta'd. I ran out of time to get it looked at. I hope you like it, warts and all.
5. River
Standing in a white washed hallway that reeked of antiseptic, River looked even more out of place than usual. She was covered in gore, her soft hair matted with blood. Doctors and nurses raced around her, tending to multitude of wounded. Jayne stepped cautiously towards her, jumping back when she turned on him, eyes wide.
"Easy there, crazy." Jayne held up his hands. "Got sent to tell you everyone's patched up and sedated mostly. Doc asked me to look after yah seein' as everyone else is occupied."
"Tired." And she did look it, swaying on her bitty feet.
"Can't sleep like that." His nose twitched at the smell comin' off her. Probably a bit of him too. "The Operative pointed out a bunk to kip in. How bout we find some water and soap for yah?"
"Yes, please." She held out her hand expectantly. Not seeing another option, he took it and led her down the hall.
"That was impressive, what you did." He said, because it had been and he figured no one else was gonna tell her that.
"It needed doing." Her free hand trailed over the white walls leaving smears of red. "Not smart, but right."
"Yeah. Exactly." Jayne felt a bit sick all of a sudden, thinking about the Shepherd. He never would learn not to get attached to people.
"Its my fault." She said, sounding like she was mostly there. "Like sheep following a wolf."
"Like wolves following more wolves." He steered her into the bunk room. It was filled with military cots in neat lines. Reminded him of prison. "Ain't no on on board didn't know what they was gettin' into."
"Haven..." Her eyes looked wet with tears. Jayne shifted uncomfortably.
"You didn't kill them people. Sometimes, people just wind up in the wrong spot." He rubbed the back his neck. "Get clean. Clothes are a loss, but there's hospital type things if you can stand 'em."
To his immense relief, she obeyed, leaving him alone with his thoughts for the first time since they'd found the Shepherd bleeding out. Seemed like he'd barely breathed since then. The immense Alliance ship hummed around him, just far off enough Serenity's tune to grate at his nerves. Everyone was raw, bleeding and grieving, not leaving room for his kind of mourning or clumsy comfort.
"The skin is clean." River announced, exiting from the tiny bathroom scrubbed pink, wearing white hospital scrubs. "The hair is a problem."
Inara would probably be better at this kind of thing, but she was bent over Mal's gurney talking about missed opportunities. Jayne was here. He didn't know much about hair, but he knew about getting blood out of things.
"Gimme a minute." He went back out to the infirmary and bullied a nurse into giving him a bowl and her personal fancy hair conditioner to augment the antiseptic shampoo and cheap plastic comb. Armed, he returned to the bunk to find River drowsing on one of the beds. "Only gonna get worse if you lie on it."
"Don't need it. Only weight. Shave it off." She yawned.
"You'd miss it and probably somebody would do some yellin' over it." He got her sitting up on the bed, then went to fill the bowl up with hot water. As an after thought, he washed his hands surprised by the filth that swirled down the drain. What with all the death and fear, how long had it been since he took a proper shower? Didn't bare thinking on.
Settling behind her, he worked the shampoo through her hair, trying to rinse out the worst of it. He had to refill the bowl three times and the stain forming around the rim would probably never come out. Eventually it was clean enough to work with. He smeared conditioner into her scalp.
"Too cold." She protested until he warmed the stuff between his hands first.
Working in sections, he concentrated on getting every last knot out. If he thought about that instead of everything else, he could stay calm. Flakes of dried blood and strands of hair rained down across her shoulders and onto the bed. Thick clumpy knots slowly gave way to his efforts, yielding to the comb and his fingers. At some points, she seemed nearly asleep, head nodding forward and then she would snap back awake eyes wild.
"Just Jayne." He'd remind her when that happened. "No need to be gettin' stabby."
"Wouldn't." She'd protest. "You're helping the tangles."
"Trying." He agreed.
And he eventually succeeded. The cot they'd been sitting on was soaked with reddish water and he'd used up the whole bottle of conditioner, but her hair hung unhindered and clean.
"Thank you." River yawned until her jaw cracked. "Jayne should shower now."
"Jayne should do a lot of things." He unwillingly echoed her yawn. "Get you into another bed for one."
He picked up her up and she was too tired to protest as he placed her in a fresh bed. Feeling a mite odd about it, he tucked her under the covers like he would of for his sisters or Ma. He watched until he was sure she was asleep before he followed her directive. The hot water felt mightly good and there was more than enough of it for him get rid of the grime. The provided scrubs matched River's, but the shirt was too tight. Fatigue caught up with him and he used the shirt to dry his hair some before climbing into a free bed and falling into a dead sleep.
He dreamed that he was running from Reavers. They'd got his scent and tracked him over broken buildings. He looked for a weapon, but all dead bodies strewn around him stared up accusingly and he didn't dare touch them. Rough hands were closing in around him, hot breath on his neck. Someone was screaming.
Someone was screaming. Jayne sat bolt upright, searching for his gun. It took him a long minute to recall where he was and what the screaming must be. River was thrashing in her sleep, tearing up the sheets with clenched fists.
"Hey now." Jayne stood uneasily at her bedside, all to aware that waking her up the wrong way might mean pain to his person. "C'mon now girlie."
She started to whimper, body still tense. Not wanting to shake her, he figured maybe just touching her forehead real soft like might be all right. He smoothed the hair back from her forehead. Her eyes didn't open, but her hands reached for his arm, holding on like a lifeline. It was sit down or be pulled down, so he sat.
"Look, I'm gonna need that arm back." He winced as her grip tightened.
"Not right now." Her eyes flickered open and she leaned against his back, still clinging to him. "It's strengthening to have something grounded. Something that dreams can't catch hold of."
"Did look like a fearsome nightmare."
"There's a killer in my head." She muttered. "Ready to gnash it's teeth."
"Join the club." He sighed. "Ain't like you can't control it. Just got to put it to good use like you did today."
"Good, not smart." She mimicked his sigh. "So tired, but sleep brings the killer back."
That sounded like a bad plan to Jayne, who having survived the last few weeks didn't want to meet his maker because the crazy girl wasn't getting her shut eye.
"How bout you sleep and I'll stand guard. Wake you up if things get nasty."
River tilted her head and did that thing where she looked right into you. Usually it made him shudder, but this time he tried his best to just think calm things. Warm bed, friendly voices and Serenity's engines humming along in the black. It seemed to work some, soothing her. He fluffed up a pillow and leaned against the wall. Her hold on his arms eased a bit and she settled up against him, him over the covers and her under. He really had meant to stand guard, but there was only so much wakefulness a body could manage.
"That don't look comfortable." Kaylee said with a laugh. "We should probably wake 'em."
"I should be disturbed..." Simon coughed.
"I didn't do nothin' a preacher wouldn't've approved." Jayne opened his eyes to regard them both. Simon looked tired, but no longer had the pall of death around him. Someone had bandaged up his torso pretty good and plopped him a wheelchair. Kaylee must have been pushing it though she didn't look like she had the strength for it. She was leaning over the back of the chair like she might topple over otherwise.
"Didn't think anything else." Kaylee smiled. "Everyone's comin' in to talk, Cap'n's orders."
Jayne shrugged. He'd fallen asleep sitting up, one arm curled around her back. The girl was entirely under the covers, except for one hand which was still wrapped firmly around his wrist and the top of her head which was using his stomach as a pillow. He started to move and shuddered.
"Gorram it. My neck's all froze up." He tried again to get up. Slow this time. Everything hurt, his body finally protesting the time spent pushing it too hard without rest. And hell, his arm wasn't budgin. "Let go, girl. I gotta piss."
"Nice." Simon sighed and reached over to shake River awake. "Let Jayne up, mei mei."
"Simon!" She sat up quickly, smiling. "You're ok!"
"Mostly. I won't be playing hoopball any time soon."
Jayne beat a hasty retreat to the restroom and stayed there a long while. The hot water of another shower relieved the tension in his muscles until he thought he could face another day of breathing. The voices out side gathered and grew louder. By the time he was dressed, the whole crew of Serenity, bandaged and battered were sitting around on the military style bunks.
"Jayne." Mal waved him to sit. "How long would it take you to remove the stuff you welded on to my ship?"
"Couple hours." He shrugged. "Maybe a day if somethin' were stubborn or bent in from the crash. Long as I had the right tools."
"The engine needs a lot of love." Kaylee sighed. "And I can't reach half of it yet. My arms are noodly."
"Someone has to fix the cockpit." Zoe was pacing and Jayne decided she was still in that dangerous period of mourning where suicide looked like a fine option. And someone like Zoe wasn't disinclined to take someone with them.
"Now our new good friend has volunteered a lot of Alliance services that may or may not be his to give." Mal folded his arms over his chest, making eye contact with all of them. "But I'd feel better if you were all helping over see and maybe doing some of the close work yourselves. Keep a lookout for anything that looks like a bug. I don't fancy taking off only to be taken in.
"Simon, you're on restocking duty." Mal said firmly like he wasn't give the Doc an easy job to compensate for his injuries. "Infirmary, kitchen and cleaning supplies. Inara, I hate to ask you, but you're the best at these things. Could you plan the funerals?" She nodded wordlessly, looking perfectly sad like she looked perfectly everything. "Kaylee you're on all things mechanical. Jayne, you're with Kaylee. When she can spare you, get those pieces of go se off my ship. Me and Zoe are gonna figure out what comes next."
"What about me?" River tilted her head. "I want to help."
Mal looked at her helplessly, then to Zoe, who shrugged.
"Reckon we'll need a pilot." He said quietly. "You got the aptitude for it."
"Yes." She had her legs stretched straight out in front of her, occasionally reaching for her toes, stretching. "But in the now? The healing time?"
"Me and Kaylee can use 'er." Jayne surprised himself by saying. "She's tiny and flexy. There'll be fine work to be done."
"I didn't even think on that." Kaylee beamed at him. "Bet between the three of us we won't need any of them other folk near at all, 'cept for parts."
And they didn't. It took weeks to fix up Serenity back to what she was, maybe even a little better with so many new parts. Somewhere in there, Inara did the funerals. The ceremony was all right, but mostly lost in the jumble of grease and parts. Kaylee talked a lot as they worked. About the people she missed, not just Wash and the Haven folk, but people from her past. Jayne just listened because he wasn't sure what to say.
"There was a boy." She said real quiet like one day when River was hanging above them, slowly rewiring somethin' intricate at Kaylee's instruction. "I was just a bitty girl really. Wasn't real handsome, but good folk. We used to fish together in this little creek ran by my house. Never did catch anything. I thought he was the best thing in pants."
She trailed off, watching River. Jayne fussed some over the pieces he was supposed to be cleaning until he caved and asked,
"What happened to 'em?"
"Farm accident. Piece of machinery backed up on him." She sighed. "Feel like every story I got these days ends sad."
"All stories end sad." He focused on getting a piston to slid proper. "Why you gotta enjoy the good parts when they're 'round."
"You mean Simon?"
He hadn't actually, wasn't even really thinking about Kaylee, but he shrugged and nodded anyway.
"Done." River jumped down, landing softly in front of them. She gave him one of her queer looks. "A story for a story. You can share your remembering."
"You got someone back home?" Kaylee looked at him with naked interest.
"Course not." Jayne stood up abruptly, setting down the bottle. "Can't sit around. There's work to be done."
They worked in silence for the rest of the day. That night when everyone else had gone back to the base to sleep, he went down into his mostly intact bunk. He'd lived shipboard over half his life now and knew how to keep everything pinned down. He pulled down Shiloh's quilt, running his hands over the different squares. He couldn't even remember her face properly anymore. Time had stripped away at his memories until they were bare of any useful details. Some day he'd be dead and no one would remember her or Ellie, hell even Vera... He scrubbed at his eyes.
"She made him sad."
"Who's that?" He was up again in a moment, reaching for the nearest gun when he saw River sitting on the stairs. He hadn't bothered closing the hatch behind him. "Gorram girl. Tryin' to give me a heart attack? Why ain't you back at the base?"
"Wanted to say sorry." She wrapped her arms around her knees. "For suggesting you share your private thoughts with Kaylee. They would have eased her sadness."
"Yeah, well." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Maybe next time leave my personal business out of it."
"She likes it when you dream of them." She said wistfully.
"That's just creepifying." He stood up. "C'mon. Best get you back to the others before your brother loses his mind."
"He's asleep, all wrapped up in Kaylee thoughts." She smiled briefly, then frowned. "Zoe's crying."
"Ain't surprised." He started up the stairs, forcing her to scramble backwards.
"Why alone?" River asked him, looking a bit lost like she might wander off. "Captain would be there if she let him."
"She ain't the type to cry on someone's shoulder." Jayne had liked that about her.
"It's not noble." River informed him. "Humans are social animals. They do not thrive standing apart."
"She's not..." Jayne frowned, piecing together how to explain it. "That kinda mournin' is private. Ain't nothin anyone could say or do that'll make it better. Maybe one day she'll tell stories about 'em and laugh. Not now."
"It keeps him alive." The girl was walking backwards now. "The pain keeps her thinking on him and letting it out might mean that he disappears. But that's not true."
"Guess sometimes things can be true to people that ain't true on the whole. Like how some of those things you see are all solid to you, but the rest of think you're cracked like an egg."
"They are real." She frowned at him. "Just not where you can see."
"Kinda my point." The base loomed over them and his fingers itched to start shootin' just on principle at an Alliance building. "Get on to bed now."
"You aren't coming?"
"Gonna patrol some." There wasn't any reason too, but he felt too revved up to sleep. And wouldn't you know there wasn't a good bar fight or whore within a thousand miles from here.
"Patrol." She looked doubtful. "Need something to do. Have a purpose. The mechanics of a mind bound to the physical. Alternatively, you could brush the girl's hair. Working on Serenity's insides have given it knots and Simon's fingers aren't as deft at parting tangles as they are at surgery."
"Oh, hell no!" Jayne protested.
Ten minutes later he was working a comb through her hair and blaming it on the doe eyes. Kaylee must be given her lessons or some such. River seemed to take his acceptance of the situation for granted and every night after that, she came to him with a brush in hand and her big eyes. He never would admit that he enjoyed it.
Eventually Serenity was fixed up and gleaming inside. If you ignored all the places where the metal was too clean or the parts too new, you could think nothing had ever happened. The black was waiting for them, swallowing up Serenity as comfortable as ever. They even had a job planned on some third rate moon. Everything was nearly too much like before, except for River sitting up where Wash should be. Even Jayne, who'd never felt much beyond irritation with the man felt his lack. 'Specially round the dinner table when things got quiet and sober real fast.
Before everyone could make a beeline for the door with their separate plates, Inara brought in a large box.
"It's tradition in many places to give away the objects of the dead." Everyone fell silent and stood still staring at her. "I've already spoken with Zoe and she would like to do so, but in her own time."
Way she said it, Jayne reckoned, Zoe had probably used a lot more curse words and maybe thrown something at her. The woman in question wasn't around, still keeping mostly to herself.
"We probably won't return to Mr. Universe's planet, so from him we have only memory." She opened the box, slow like. "But Shepherd was one of us and I thought...I hope no one minds me dispersing some of his things."
"Oh, Inara." Kaylee rushed up to give her a hug. "That musta been so hard, goin' there and gettin' some of his things just so's we could have somethin' to remember him by."
"I tried to find something that fit for everyone." Her hands trembled as she reached in. "This is for you Kaylee."
"It's that nice paintin' he always had." The frame glinted a little in the light. "Thank you."
"And for you Simon." She dipped her hands in again, passing him a leather briefcase. "It's empty."
"I can use it to carry medical supplies when we're off ship." He looked it over carefully. "But if someone else... I mean we weren't that close."
"We're the only family he has left alive." Inara turned from him to reach into her box again. "River, here honey."
River reached out as Inara draped her hands with a long white scarf. She wrapped it around her neck right away, forehead furrowed up.
"Mal." Inara pressed a thin wallet into his hands. "His Ident card is in there, along with a few other personal papers. I think he would have wanted you to know who he is now that his secrets can't hurt anyone."
"Maybe." Mal rubbed a finger over the soft black leather. "Maybe not. I'll think on it."
Jayne watched Inara carefully as she returned to the box.
"I thought about this one." She paused right in front him. "But of all of us, he seemed to get along the best with you most days."
She pressed the bible into Jayne's hand. It wasn't fancy or big. It was patched up from when River had torn pages out and there was a blood stain where it'd been held close in the last moments. If Jayne'd thought about it all, he would have said Mal should have it, but he wasn't gonna say so now.
"Thanks." He mumbled, staring at it like it might start up talking.
The distribution over, everyone sort of stared at each other a minute, before taking up their plates and scattering. Jayne headed toward the cargo bay and sat up next to weight bench while he ate. When he finished, he wiped his hands on his pants and took up the bible again. The print was too small for him, but he read a bit of it anyhow. Some of the words were unfamiliar, but the stories were the same.
"I shouldn't have torn it up." River materialized next to him. Jayne didn't even jump, he was getting used to her spooky ways. "But some of it was so wrong."
"Wrong how?"
"They reflect a past that isn't our present, God is implausible at best. An angry child."
Jayne ran his thumb down the spine of the beat up little book. Religion wasn't something he'd thought much about except for occasional conversations with the the Shepherd and long ago with Dom. He just assumed that if there was a God, that he was slated for an unpleasant afterlife, so it was best to enjoy this one.
Shepherd's God hadn't seemed angry though. More tired like people were bad children who wore him out. Jayne pictured him being something like Mal sitting at the head of the table, watching all the bickering, flirting and eating. Sometimes he looked like a proud Pa, others like he wanted to shoot every last one of them.
"Don't know about that." He said, staring at the blood stained cover. "Maybe he just does the best he can like most folk."
"Like you?" Her head tilted like she was mightly interested in the answer. Jayne shrugged.
"I survive."
"Survival is not enough." She decreed, sinking down next to him. "Simon thinks it is, but that is a lie. How can we only just survive when there is so much else to do?"
"Like what?" He stared out across the cargo bay. "Didn't we already do enough? You don't have another dead planet in your head, do you?"
"Thinking too literally." She scolded. "Survival is basic, animal. Being human is much more. We play, think, laugh and create which keeps humans separate."
"Your brother thinks I'm an animal. Untrained ape, if I remember rightly."
"Simon is a moron." She smiled fondly. "You're much tidier than an ape."
"Thanks." He felt too tired to get angry with her for what was her attempt at a compliment. It felt like something was weighing him down, preventing him from simply getting up and leaving.
"Also, apes don't mourn." She patted his hand.
"Don't you have somewhere to go be crazy?" He growled.
"No." Her dark hair fell over her face. "This is the choice location for mourning. The others are dwelling on the pilot, but the Shepherd was kind and deserves memory too."
"Guess he was." There were no other words in him, not for that.
"Read a story?" She coaxed, looking down at the small book.
"You don't want me readin' to yah." He snorted. "Be here all night. 'Sides you don't like these stories none, remember?"
"Not for themselves, but to who they are meaningful." Long legs refolded themselves and suddenly she was sitting nearly on top of him, their sides pressed together. "The speed is not important."
"You asked for it." No particular story came to mind, so he just started right at the beginning. "In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth..."
He read haltingly, River pressed to him silent and wide eyed. She didn't interrupt or correct his pronunciation. Could be that she wasn't even fully listening. It felt good though, to just sit quiet with someone, thinking on someone they'd both liked and lost. He read until the words were blurry and his ass was numb. At some point, River put her head on his arm.
"Bout time little crazy girl's head to bed, ain't it?" He closed the book firmly.
"Only if it is also time for large disgruntled mercenaries to sleep."
"Reckon it is." He stood abruptly, so that she nearly tumbled over. "C'mon, I'll hand you off to your gorram brother. Bet he's wonderin' where you got to?"
"Simon is busy." River's eyes got that loose look to them. "He and Kaylee are making the beast with two backs that undulates and moans."
"Hey now!" He made a face. "Don't need to be hearin' about that. Kaylee, sure, but not the doc."
"He thinks the same thing of you." She smiled, holding up her hands and he pulled her up, not thinking on it much.
"Bed." Jayne pointed. "And don't think I'm above tossing you into your bunk if you don't get."
River ran ahead of him laughing and eventually he heard her door slam shut which was good enough for him.
~*~
The first time Jayne really noticed that River was getting to be a woman, it was a year after Miranda. He was laid up, recovering from a knife wound to his gut, so Mal had taken Zoe and River with him to do the drop off. Jayne got out Vera and waited by the cargo bay just in case someone followed them home. There was a peel off thunder that shook the ship. Rain fell hard on Serenity's metal shell, deafening him. The door opened crankily about five minutes in.
"Sort this out." Mal stomped in first, hair plastered to his forehead. He'd thrown a bag at Jayne's feet. It was filled with jewelry. "Pick out everything worth keeping. I'll be in my bunk." As he stomped off, his boots made a squelching noise.
"Don't mind him." Zoe's voice rumbled as she and River came in, the door rolling up behind them. "He's just grumpy because you saw it before him."
"Captain forgets that the girl has extra eyes." River rolled the ones in her head.
"Something like that." Zoe squeezed her shoulder and then followed Mal's route.
"We got you shinies." River turned to Jayne, smiling. "I like the ruby."
Jayne reached in and found a nice one, round and big enough for a rich lady's ring. He looked up to toss it to her and found his mouth had gone dry. The rain had soaked her flimsy dress, plastering it to her skin. Where she usually looked as straight up and down as a boy, now she had curves. Where'd those come from anyway? Her hips were gently rounded, thighs muscled and her ass...
"Hello?" She waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Ruby?" She stuck out her hand and he handed it over. There were tits under those billowy dresses. Why'd he never see them before?
"Cannot trail moisture into the bunk. Already there is a proclivity for mold." She straightened, sighing.
"What?" Jayne blinked. As he watched, she bent over lifting the hem of her skirt. Water poured off of it as she lifted it up and off her body. The discarded fabric fell with a light thud at his feet. All he had attention for was her skin gleaming white under the florescent. Her underthings were simple. Practical white undies and pink cotton bra. He could tell it was too small for her, her breasts practically popping out.
"River..." He breathed out. Then paused and took in a deep breath. "Girl you know you're not supposed to run around half-naked."
"Not running." She laughed. "Walking."
And she did walk off, leaving wet footprints. It took him a long minute to get up and follow, swearing when the wound in his gut pulled hard. He tracked her down the halls and into the mess. Only she weren't there. Everyone else was though, looking pleased with themselves.
"Happy Birthday, Jayne!" Kaylee smiled at him. She had something on plate that could've been a cake if you squinted.
"How'd you know..." He frowned. No one had celebrated his birthday since time out of remembrance. Except for a solitary letter from his Ma.
"In the cortex." River appeared at his elbow. She was dressed again, but her hair was still wet and bedraggled looking.
"We done celebrated everyone else's out here." Kaylee blushed, setting the cake down. "Just occurred to me we ain't never done yours."
"Oh." He thrust his hands in his pockets, looking around the table. Everyone was looking at him, expecting...what? "That's real nice of you. Thanks, Kaylee."
"How old are you, anyway?" Simon asked, idly playing with fork.
"Don't rightly remember." Jayne shrugged, setting down to his usual place at the table. Kaylee hadn't lit the cake up, probably because they were out candles, real or synthesized. Couldn't afford a penny of extra expense these days. Though maybe with the shinies in the hold they'd be in a better position.
"Thirty-eight." River piped up again, sitting cross legged in the chair next to his.
Really? Jayne thought about and the number seemed right. Nearly forty when he'd never excepted to see thirty.
"What else you know about him?" Mal asked, putting his elbows in the table, eyes bright.
"Look it up yourself." River said calmly, receiving her piece of not-quite-cake.
"Reckon I did when we brought him on board, but I didn't find so much as a date like you did. 'Parently I didn't look hard enough."
"It wasn't hard." River shrugged. "The records were there for the taking. Alliance tracks births, marriages and deaths. Warrants."
Jayne snorted. Plenty of those that Mal had probably located in a more general search.
"Anything I should know?" Mal pressed.
"What difference would it make?" River's eyes flashed like they did when she was getting heated. Defending his privacy. "Would it make him a different entity? One less worthy of trust?"
"No. Suppose it wouldn't."
"Do you like the cake?" Kaylee asked brightly and the topic veered to other pastures.
Still, later that night, Jayne couldn't help but think on home and what River might have found crawling through his records. Nothing that talked about who he was, just facts. Clean, simple. Dates of birth, never married, still alive. Warrants for arrest on three planets and one shiny new one thanks to Miranda. Maybe a few notes about bar pubs and shots taken. Medical records that listed a few bad scrapes, maybe a childhood illness. And if asked a year ago, he would have read it over and nodded. Said nothing was really missing. That a page full of facts summed him up well.
A year changed things. Showed a person how decisions were complicated. That there was great good to match any great evil. That complete strangers could love each other if they had too. He'd spent this year reading through the battered bible, talking to River and thinking. Three things he'd never been much for before. He still didn't understand half the things in the little book nor did he think he was getting religious. River only confused things more, talking in circles the way she still did. Between the two, it probably explained why he spent so much time thinking. So he did what he always did when he had something pressing on his mind.
He wrote to his Ma.
Dear Ma,
I got your birthday letter. Thanks again for the scarf. It matches the hat real good. Hope the harvest was a good one. We're having lean times here. Jobs come up, but with alliance on our tails, we spend more time running than working. Still, I got a few coins to send along and more than that when we sell some of the gems we got.
Had a birthday party this year. Nothing fancy, just a bit of protein looking like cake, but it made me feel weird. Guess I really am one of the crew now, even if most of them wouldn't've pissed on me if I was on fire just a few months ago (not sorry for cussing cause it's true). Though I reckon I wouldn'tve done it for them either, except Kaylee. Things are different now.
I know you want me to write and tell you I met a nice girl. And you know how I keep saying that I haven't met the right one yet? That's been a sort of lie and I don't like lying to you. There is a girl, Ma. Crazy slip of a thing that I told you about. But you know, even if her brother didn't cut off my bits for lookin' at her funny, even if she liked me back, I don't think I could do it.
I was thinking about you, back in your whorin' days and all the men that must have made you stupid offers and did awful things that you tried to hide from me... but you just got right back up and married someone you love. How? How could you feel good about a person again? Trust them not to die or be awful or stab you in the back?
Also, I'm sending along the sweater you made me a few years back. Could you fix the hole in the stomach? Thanks.
love your son,
Jayne
He felt better for having wrote it. Packaging up his sweater and a few credits, he snuck down to the cargo bay to set it with the other post. He could see a few other letters in there. Mostly Kaylee's letters back home to her folks, but there were also a few from Mal and one from Zoe. She'd started writing Wash's folks as well as her own. River and Simon had no mail, of course. Even if they were still on speaking terms with their folks, the Tams would have been rich enough to wave right out from the privacy of their own homes.
They probably wouldn't stop somewhere that could send mail for another few weeks. Then it'd take a few more to actually get to Thanatos. Than his Ma would have to find time to write, darn the sweater and send it back. And than it'd have to catch up with Serenity. It was possible he wouldn't hear from her for another six or seven months. Still it was good just to see it lying there, ready to go out into the Verse.
"Jayne's up late." River appeared behind him. Jayne had near gotten used to her ability to startle him. The key was expecting her to always be there. "Should be resting, to heal."
He'd forgotten all about the gorram injury, but now with the reminder, the pain flared to life.
"Yeah well, had to do something first." He started to hobble towards his room.
"You'll fall over!" She clicked her tongue in exasperation, before ducking under one arm. "Lean on me."
"I'll squash yah." He laughed, but leaned anyway. She was terribly strong, he'd grown to learn. Her arms and legs were willowy, but densely muscled.
"Physically impossible." She sniffed as they made their slow way down the corridors. The body he'd glimpsed before, now pressed warmly to his side. He could catch a hint of her scent, mostly the same cheap shampoo they all used, but also the undercurrent of slightly sweaty female and something tart that was uniquely hers.
At his room, she paused, slipping out from under his arm. She regarded him with the interest she usually saved for the cortex or her own visions.
"Got any more advice before I turn in?" He growled, propping himself against the display.
"No." She leaned up on her tiptoes and looked him right in the eye. Then she kissed him on the cheek, light as a feather. "It is traditional to kiss someone after walking them home."
And then she was gone again.
Jayne decided that the best course of action was to climb into bed and forget that it'd even happened. River seemed to be of the same mind because she didn't mention it either. Instead she watched over him with curious intensity as he pushed his body to recovery. She would spot him as he lifted weights and hang from a parallel bar when did pull ups. When the leg could hold serious weight again, he worked it carefully to bring it back up to snuff. River always told him when to stop when he started to feel strain. Of course, occasionally she was need to actually pilot the ship, but Mal seemed to be taking a liking to the job of late, leaving her with more free time.
All that togetherness would normally drive Jayne crazy, but River wasn't the kind to make a man feel crowded in. She was silent for the most part for one thing. If he felt like talking, she'd listen and not make much comment. And mostly...
Well everyone Serenity was so gorram special, weren't they? Mal with his whole bad man on the outside, sticky gooey good on the inside and a fair amount of smarts. Same with Zoe. The Doc and Kaylee were geniuses in their own fields. And River was a certified genius, ballerina, mind reader assassin. And Jayne was just the muscle. He lifted things, followed trails and shot people. Sure he was good at what he did, but so were hundreds of other mercenaries.
But when River was watching him, her genius broken mind whirring at hundred clicks an hour, Jayne didn't feel that way. When she approached him with a brush or sat with him when his body was worn out or asked him to read her stories from the Shepard's bible or helped him tune up Ellie's battered guitar, he felt like a man worth something.
Of course someone was bound to notice it and ruin it for him, even when he was behaving himself like a gorram angel.
"River!" Simon's voice echoed through the cargo hold. "River, you have to come eat dinner!"
"She is eating!" River called out from the rafters. "Jayne gave me bread."
"Bread?" Simon strained to see her, finally standing directly beneath her, bread crumbs raining down on his head.
"Yeah, picked it up yesterday by mistake. Want some?" Jayne offered him a roll from the box he was digging through. "It'll go stale if we don't eat it soon."
"Thank you." Simon took the roll, sniffed it warily.
"It's fine." River informed him, spraying still more crumbs down on him. "Don't be such a worrywort."
"We both had bits, so did Mal and no one's dead." Jayne reassured him.
Simon took a tentative bite than another, a soft sigh of contentment escaping his lips.
"It's good, but it's still not dinner." He looked up at River.
"Also ate soup and protein bar." She informed him tartly. Jayne was beginning to think the crumbs were being aimed at Simon which amused him mightly.
"You made soup?"
"Jayne made it." She grinned. "I was hungry early and he said you should eat when you're hungry because your body knows better than a gorram clock."
Years of self-preservation prevented Jayne from looking up, but he could feel Simon's eyes boring down on him.
"You've been spending a lot of time with Jayne lately." Simon said slowly.
"Yes." She agreed.
"Is that my fault? Should I be paying more attention to you? Maybe Kaylee and I..."
"Need friends." River said sharply. "It gets lonely with everyone all busy with each other. Jayne always has time for me."
He'd never really looked at it that way. Given his skill set, he had a lot of free time when they were in the black.
"I can make time for you." Simon was clearly feeling guilty though Jayne didn't know what for. He'd already given everything he had to River and the girl was appreciative. No one expected him to throw over Kaylee to spend more quality time with his sister.
"You do." River said gently, finally jumping down to give him a brief hug. "But brothers need to have time off too."
"Couldn't you spend time with Inara or Zoe...or Mal?"
"No. I like Jayne." She smiled and kissed her brother lightly on the cheek. "Run along now."
"But..."
"Get." River patted him on the shoulder. "Kaylee's making dinner and she'll be upset if you're late."
Clearly addled, Simon walked slowly away, mouthing over and over to himself 'She likes Jayne?'
"Want another roll?" Jayne offered, bemused.
"No thank you." She leaned against the rail next to him, then asked tentatively, "You're my friend, right?"
"Yeah." Jayne decided. "Yeah, I am."
It seemed highly unlikely, but there it was. Simon did start trying to spend more time with River. Even set her up on play dates with Inara. He tried with Zoe, but she wasn't inclined to play along. Mal put her behind the wheel more often, sending Jayne warning looks. It got so he felt guilty even though he hadn't done anything. Still, River stuck to her guns and showed up next to him whenever she had a moment. When she wasn't around for a while, Jayne got to missing her. Hell, he even liked hearing he voice over the comm.
Fact was, he barely listened to what she was saying, so it took a minute to process:
"There's a wave for Jayne from Thanatos."
When it sunk in, he was at a dead run. In the twenty years he'd been away from home, he had never gotten a wave. They were expensive on Thanatos and there were only a few machines available. Worst case scenarios flashed through his head. His Ma hadn't even waved him when his first nephew was born. Someone had to be dead.
It comforted him some when he arrived in the cockpit to see his Ma's face. At least she was all right. Behind her, he could see the dingy curtain of the wave booth. Probably in the general store.
"Jayne!" She smiled, her face nearly unchanged over the years. She'd accumulated some wrinkles to be sure, but Jayne figured she was still one of the most beautiful women he'd ever met. Her hair was even still black and shiny. "Oh, you look so handsome."
"Hi, Ma." He grinned back, nearly forgetting his initial panic. "You look mighty good, yourself."
"Still sweet talking, I see." She leaned closer to the screen. "When are you going to come home for a visit?"
"I dunno, Ma." He shifted uncomfortably.
"I'm not trying to guilt you." She said softly. "But when I read your letter...I was so worried about you. My Jayne has always been so sure of what he wants. So stubborn. I wanted to see your face."
"Ma! You waved because you wanted to see my ugly mug? I figured someone was dying or something. It's too much."
"Jayne, honey, you ain't been home in a long time. What do you think we did with all that money you sent home? Plant it in the ground?" She shook her head. "We're not poor anymore. Maybe not rich, but we got enough for me to call my oldest son if I've a mind too."
"Oh." He hadn't ever added up the coin he sent home, but thinking on it now, it was a fair large amount.
"Oh is right. Now I want you to tell me about this girl."
"Ma!" Jayne protested, but when he looked around the cockpit, River was gone. He let out a sigh of relief. "She was the one that answered the wave."
"Pretty, then." Ma nodded approvingly. "She is young."
"Don't I know it. I'm old enough to be her Pa."
"That ain't nothin' with nothin'. Dom was your age when I married him and I was only twenty-four." Ma sniffed. "I waved you because you asked me a question."
"I did?"
"In that sad little letter of yours. You wanted to know how I could trust and love someone after everything that happened to me, right?"
"Yeah, reckon I did."
"Well listen good then. I did it because there is no other way to live. I know you think you're some great big lone wolf, but I've read your letters close and that little crew you got is something like a family. Maybe you ain't always liken them or them liken you, but that's family's for you. You find a place where people accept what you bring, tell you when you're being an idiot and watch your back. A husband was all that and someone to warm my bed."
"Ma!"
"What? It's true. You need someone to stand next to you in life or you'll topple over." She wagged a finger at him. "And don't you be afraid of nothing. I figure you've had some bad luck, hard times. Maybe you've done bad because of it, but you've done more on the good lately. Enough good it liked to kill you. God in heaven owes you some good. So why wouldn't you take it when it's offered?"
"I dunno." Jayne stared at her. "What if she don't want me back?"
"Then she's a fool and you don't need her."
Jayne laughed. Dom came into the booth then and they chatted about other things. Turned out the farm was doing real well with the extra help and better irrigation system they'd been able to install. Mattie was finished with university and was looking to start a high school for farm kids. Darcy was knocked up and refusing to marry the fellow because he was 'a knock knee moron'. Jackie and her family had moved to town to try their hand at running a sewing store. By the time they had to say goodbye, Jayne found that for the first time in years, he was homesick.
"I love you, Ma." He choked out. "I'll try to get home soon."
"I love you too, my baby boy." She smiled tenderly at him, wiping away tears. "Mind what I said."
The screen flickered and went dark, but Jayne stayed where he was for a long time, just looking out over the stars.
He thought about Ellie and how he'd won her by accident. One day they were just screwing and the next she'd wanted him for something more. They'd been so young though. What could she have seen in his fourteen year old self? He'd been cocky, crude and paying her for sex. Looking back, he could see where maybe she'd just wanted what he could give her. A good name, a place to live and selling herself only to the one client, one she liked. It felt cruel to even think that way, but it was possible.
With Vera, he'd again had nothing near to do with it. The woman had picked him, sexed him and used him. When she was done, she would have just thrown him away. He could have been any beefy kid with a temper and that would have been fine with her.
So the only experience that counted for anything near romantic was courting Shiloh. He could remember taking long walks with her or sitting on the porch swing out side her daddy's house. But that'd been the way things were done.
The long and the short of it was that Jayne didn't have a one gorram idea how someone went about getting a girl for more than a quickie. There was only one person he could talk too.
"Why ask me?" Kaylee asked wide-eyed, setting down her micro-valve adjusted. "Inara's way better at this stuff."
"Yeah, cause it's workin' out so good between her and Mal." He rolled his eyes. The Captain was still playing it cool with her and Inara wasn't exactly committing either. Life had been hard on her in particular since Miranda. The bounty on her head limited her ability to take on clients and the House couldn't take her back. She spent a lot of time sewing. "I know bout sex. It's the other stuff."
"Guess you're right." Kaylee sat back on her heels. "Just seems to me I didn't do anything right with Simon. Can't rightly give you advice when the only thing that worked was thinkin' we were gonna die."
"That's cause Simon's a moron." Jayne opined.
"Yeah." She sighed happily. "What's got you thinkin' on this anyways?"
Jayne looked around wearily. Wouldn't do to have the doc or the cap'n walk in.
"It's River." He admitted. "Girl's gotten under my skin, but good."
"Jayne!" Kaylee squealed. "She's just a girl."
"No she ain't." He scowled. "River ain't been a girl since she got took by them blue hands. "
"Still though..."
"When you was nearly twenty were you still innocent and pure?"
Kaylee laughed. "No. Guess I weren't. But bet you Simon an' the cap'n won't see it that way. It'll be all 'toss him out the airlock'."
Jayne thought about what his Ma said and shrugged.
"I reckon they might. But I ain't gonna do nothin' she don't want. It ain't fair on her anyway." He said slowly as it was something he'd been thinking on. "If it ain't me, it'll be some one some day. They gonna breathe down 'er neck until she's got gray hair? Keep 'er on board so she can't meet no one?"
"Mal was kinda like that with me and Simon." Kaylee said thoughtfully. "Still is sometimes. But River's different. She's so...dunno fragile like."
"Except for the part where she kills like a machine." He pointed out. "Anyone thinks someone could force her to do somethin' they didn't want is a moron."
"Yeah." Kaylee grinned. "And it is kinda romantic. Beauty and the beast like."
"I ain't a beast." He protested, but not hard cause he could see she was coming over to his way of thinking.
"Maybe you got to start by making Simon and them see that." She brushed her bangs away from her face. "Treat her nice and start real slow. Get her some flowers or something."
"Where am I gonna get flowers?"
"Well, like how you bought us apples when you done messed up. " She said. "I mean you didn't tell us what they were for or nothin', but I could tell and thought it was a nice way of doin' it. Get her things she likes. Little things. Do things nice for her. And you know, be friendly like you've been doin'. That's all most people want. To be treated good."
"The doc is doin' that for you right?" Jayne asked, eyes narrowing at the wistful tone in her voice.
"Oh, he's still learnin'." She smiled. "But he does all right. Even got down with me into the engine and got all greasy while I showed him what goes where."
"Well that's all right then." He stood up, mind slowly churning. "Thanks. And uh...you know, don't say nothin to no one."
She mimed zipping her lips and winked at him. "Thanks."
He thought on what she'd said real hard. Bout kindness and also the things his Ma had said about needing people. When he started to get a headache, he quit thinking and stole up to cockpit. River was manipulating the controls with her feet, head tilted back already staring at him when he walked in. He liked her feet. They were capable.
"Bored." She informed him.
"Don'cha gotta make sure we don't crash into nothin'?"
"Nothing to crash into. Empty space from here to there."
He flopped into the pilot's seat, staring at her. Being River she just stared back before saying. "Your head is busy."
"Yeah well, people keep spinnin' it round."
"You shouldn't let them. You can figure it out on your own."
"You think?"
"I know."
Jayne wiped his palms on his pants.
"River."
"Yes?" She was leaning farther back in her chair, so that her ends of her hair brushed the floor.
"You know how you said we were friends?"
"Yes, Jayne." She said patiently, her face turning red from the rush of blood.
"It just...I was surprised I guess. I thought you hated me."
"I hated what you were. I like who you've become."
"Oh. Do you think...maybe you could one day more than like it?" He sank into the co-pilot's chair. "Cause it seems to me like it's got so I don't know how to get through the day without seein' yah. And...you're bout the best friend I've ever had which I can't explain."
"Your mine too." She said softly. "No one else on the ship treats me like you do. Like I'm a person who can determine their own path."
Jayne flushed. "Look, I guess what I'm gettin' at is....I'm older than you by a fair bit and in this line a work, might not get much older. I ain't romantic. And you're bout five hundred times smarter than me. Reckon if you lived planetside, you could get any guy you wanted. But you don't and I guess what I'm sayin' is I'm here if you're willin'."
He stared down at his own hands, eyes tracing callouses afraid to meet her spooky smart eyes. He didn't want to see pity. There was some shuffling noises, than she was standing in front of him, pushing his knees apart, tilting his head up in her tiny hands until he had to look up at her. She was smiling.
"I am more than wiling." She kissed him once, gently, ghostlike, on the lips. "I find you handsome and clever and romantic enough."
"I..uh. Thanks." He reached out tentatively, to put one hand on her waist. "I didn't buy yah flowers."
"Unnecessary. In the future, you can purchase me gifts for appropriate occasions." She slid into his touch, settling on his lap. "For now, I would like you to kiss me."
And because Jayne was clever enough, he did. She tasted like what she'd had for dinner, but that was all right. Eventually things started to heat up and Jayne pulled away.
"Reckon we ought to stop before I can't no more."
"But I wasn't done yet." She protested.
"Girl, I'm only about a minute away from taken whatever innocence you have left and I reckon that's a decision you should think on."
She stared at him for a long moment, snorted and rolled her eyes. "Innocence is for losers." It wasn't that funny, but for some reason, Jayne laughed and didn't stop. Eventually, River just joined in and her laugh made him laugh even harder.
Eventually, they slipped to the floor, tears running down their faces. Whenever Jayne thought he was nearly done, he'd look at River and she'd make a ridiculous face at him and off they'd go again.
"Quit it...can't breathe!" He protested after a long while and River finally laid off and settled her head on his chest as he regained himself. "Damn girl, nearly killed me with that."
"My Jayne is heartier than that."
Jayne grinned, liked the sound of the 'my' part. "Yeah, big strong Jayne, survivor of laughter, that's me."
"Jayne?"
"What?"
"The floor is cold and somewhat sticky. Could we go to your bunk?"
"I ain't hearty enough to survive bein' blown out the airlock, girl. Which is exactly what your brother and Mal would do if they saw me taken you down there."
She closed her eyes, listening. "They won't see. Please, I've already waited for you for so long."
"You've been waitin' on me?" He sat up, displacing her.
"You have been very stubborn." She confirmed. "And I did not know how to approach you."
"So you did get naked in front of me on purpose!"
"Of course." She stood up. "And I want to again."
Jayne clamored to get up, ignoring the stiffness in his knees. "Hell, you don't have to ask me twice."
"I just did." She said exasperated.
"All right, all right. We got all night. If I'm gonna die for the privilege, we're gonna take our time."
And he did. Jayne took those precious hours to learn every inch of River's body. It wasn't perfect; River had uncannily strong thigh muscles that near snapped his neck when he was in a delicate position and an accidental slip of her teeth forced a twenty minute pause in the proceedings. Aside from those minor setbacks, Jayne still considered it one of his favorite nights to date. He decided he didn't care what the consequences were, because somehow they would overcome them and he was gonna get to do this every night until River realized she'd gotten the raw end of the deal.
"Thank you." She said sleepily when they were both spent. Her head was tucked up over his shoulder again, one arm thrown loosely over his stomach. The room stank, her hair was in tangles and her elbows were sharp. Jayne reached up and grabbed Shiloh's quilt, dragging it over them.
"River?"
"Mhm?" She mumbled sleepily.
"Don't take this weird, but....I love you."
"I know." He could feel her smile against his chest. "I find it peculiar, but acceptable. Also it is mutual."
He thought about that for a minute, than grinned. "Oh. Well that's real fine then."
"Yes, it is. Now please cease talking so I can sleep."
Chuckling, Jayne obeyed.
Dear Ma,
Just to prove I ain't a complete stubborn fool, I done took your advice. You were right. River was willing. The Cap'n did try to space me, but River kicked him so hard, she broke his nose and that made him re-think things. The doc's been quiet about the whole thing. Kaylee said he's hopin' this is just a phase and if he doesn't say nothing River will just get bored and quit. Seems like he forgets she's goin' on twenty not two. Kaylee is smiling all the time that it looks to hurt her. She likes a sappy ending, I think.
The weirdest thing though, you remember Zoe and how her husband done died? She's been real quiet since then, mostly only talking to Mal. Two days ago, she cornered me in the mess and asked me real intense like if I was serious. When I said yes, she got this look on her face like she might cry and nodded real quick like. Than she looked me dead in the eye and said 'Than you hold onto her and treat her like she's made of gold'. I nodded cause I was afraid she'd knife me or something and then she just walked away. Weird, like I said.
Anyway, that's all that's new. Tell Dom that I got a line out on some of those hybrid seeds he was asking about. Oh, River says she wants to write something at the end, so that's the curly handwriting at the bottom.
Love,
Jayne
Dear Mrs. Cobb,
My name is River Tam. You have probably heard of me and must know that my life has not been an easy one. The last several years of my life have been spent aboard Serenity running from powerful forces. For a long time, your son was resentful of this and in retrospect, I cannot blame him. Serenity was his home and I made it a dangerous one. To his great credit, he surmounted his feelings when it mattered and preformed very admirable acts. I have come to respect and even love him. He frequently reminds me (as do others on the ship) of his age, experience and past that might make our lives together difficult. He may have relayed these to you. I want you to know the truth: it is far more dangerous for him than it is for me and he knows this. Jayne has taken a risk entangling his life in mine and for that I am truly sorry. But not sorry enough to leave him. I hope you will forgive me for that selfishness.
I do not know how long we will have together, but I promise I will do my best to make him happy. I hope one day to discuss this with you face to face. I hope that you will accept me into your family. I have a lot of hope these days, mostly thanks to Jayne. Most of all, I hope that we remain worthy of each other.
Regards,
River Tam
